This is for all you naive men out there!!! November 13, 2008

Let’s talk about my gender now… Usually my posts are either about me (narcissism at its best) or my sexcapades which are just an online journal for me that everybody reads or other hippity hoopla…

So let’s talk about women, I know guys will find this interesting!!!

In my lifetime, so far at least I have met many nice men, but not a single nice woman. The girls I did meet-all fell into distinct and unfortunate categories.
I met the insecure, mean girls. The girls who spend 5 minutes smiling and then walk away to talk me to other people- other insecure, mean girls. They only stopped talking when I walk over to them and get greeted with dirty looks. Which is nice, I love a big bowl of awkward silence on day one of meeting them. I didn’t realize my life flew me back to middle school girl drama.

I have met girls who refuse to talk to anyone but her friends. The girl I waited at the airport with, who I saw on the plane, who stood in front of me at check-in. The girl I saw everyday, who couldn’t even crack a smile in return to the one I gave her. Who acted as though everyone but her friends were invisible, most likely because no one else put on eyeliner to sit on the beach?

I met the overly sexual to the point it’s embarrassing, girls. The girls who throw themselves at men who did not want them, who went all Fatal Attraction stalker style on guys, to the point it was sad to watch. Who took pictures of guys who didn’t want their photo taken, who called guys who didn’t want to be called, who shared cabs with guys who wanted to ride alone. Girls who didn’t mind knowing they were a guys second, third and in one case- fourth choice for the evening when everyone else turned him down.

I have met girls who put everyone down to push themselves up. Who were rude and inconsiderate and so condescending you could almost see it oozing out their pores. Who could take any piece of information and turn it into a topic they (of course) knew more about.

I have met girls who were so uncomfortable in their own skin it left me exhausted. Girls who were constantly pushing down their swim top, or pulling on the towel. Girls who refused to lift their arms because they didn’t like the job their waxer did, girls who said “please don’t look at me”, in a panicked voice when they showed up in their bathing suit. Who missed out on doing things they wanted to do because they were scared they would get laughed at. These are the same girls who were quick to judge anyone else for what they were or were not wearing.

I have met needy girls. The girls who start calling us at 8:30am to ask what we were doing for breakfast and when we refuse to answer, kept calling. As in, 5 calls before 11am. And when the calls went unanswered, they show up at the door and started knocking. And then try the door. And then chase to ask us where we were going.

See? I told you. Crazy.

The part that gets me is that I hav met a lot of nice guys. Young, old, single, not single- guys who spoke English, French or Spanish. Guys who talked about teaching and politics and jellyfish. Who held their own in conversation, who were interesting- who talked about ideas and ideals, not other people. Guys who said ‘hi!’ when they ran into you, who wanted to get their picture with you. With men I never worry, they would never begin talking about me poorly the second I left my chair.

Maybe it was just a bad mix of girls, but the whole experience has left me a little disappointed. Women are often thought of as the more sensitive, thoughtful gender but this has left me believing whoever believes that is sadly mistaken. Because I would rather take my chances starting a conversation with a table of knife holding men in wrestling masks than face a table of girls.

So I ask you readers, when did women get so crazy?

TINMITIFS

A few of my favorite things… November 13, 2008

I decided last month that I should start listening to my ENTIRE music library. Not just, the six songs that I listen to on repeat. As I started listening, I realized two things 1) a song can really take you back to a memory you had forgotten and 2) I have too much country music in my music collection. Really, it’s embarrassing. Seriously. Who thought that was a good idea? Anyway, as I puttered throughout the month, songs came on that took me back to a memory relating to those who have a Y chromosome….

1. “Your Body is A Wonderland”- John Mayer
This song is just so.. 2002. Which, was a great year for me. On a whim, I went travelling through Spain with a good friend. I fell in lust in Italy a Spanish man who’s most common English phrase was “Wat iz de problem? I jizt want to be kizzing you on zee lipz all night! Wat? Wat iz wrong wit tat?”. If ever your ego is bruised, go to Spain and you will feel like a goddess. Anyway, I went back to Bahrain feeling very beautiful but very poor. My friend and I found a pub that sold drinks to girls for 500 fils. For a few months, we spent all our free time there, commiserating on all the ways Indian / Srilankan / Arabian men didn’t know how to stalk girls like the Spanish men. This song was on heavy rotation as we cruised the streets of the island and we wished we were someplace warm with men who liked to dance in the streets.

2. “Stand by Me”- Ben E King
Grade Seven. I’m decked out in my favorite Guess? jeans and swathed in tribe perfume. The best part of my outfit is a shirt that my mom has finally let me have. It was hers growing up- a cream cashmere sweater with delicate beading on the front. It’s heavy, but the crystals keep catching the light of the disco ball, which makes me glitter. I’ve never felt prettier. I dance with a boy named Jared to this song. Clearly a request by a chaperone, since it’s sandwiched in between TLC’s greatest hits. And when I say we ‘dance’? Yeah, we pretty much moved from side to side, hands firmly clenched at the waist, avoiding eye contact. I’ve had pap smears that were more comfortable than that dance, but it goes down in history as one of the most memorable.

3. “Before He Cheats”- Carrie Underwood
Four girls in a cab. One is dating, two heartbroken and one single. It’s 5 am. These four girls have just left an impromptu trampoline party and still have ridiculous amounts of Jack Daniels running through their veins. This song comes on and we beg the cab driver to turn it up. Suddenly, we are no longer four girls, but collectively, we ARE Carrie Underwood. And I know people talk of singing their hearts out, but in this case, we really did. We sang in the ‘our eyes are closed, our fists are pumping the air, and no one is laughing because this is far too serious’ fashion. There was so much scorned estrogen in that car I almost choked on it. We tipped our driver well, but not enough. I should have given him a kidney. He earned it.

4. “Untouchable Face”- by Ani DiFranco
The line “I could make you happy, if you weren’t already” was the roundhouse kick to my already destroyed heart during one particularly bad break up. Wait, was that too much angst? When we are talking Ani, can you HAVE too much angst? Let’s just be thankful I didn’t tap into Joni Mitchell. There would have been epic angst (epic!) being shown here.

5. Villains, Verve Pipe
I’ll admit, I’m a sucker for haunting guitar. But when said guitar is joined with a well-organized combination of haunting keyboard and haunting drums, you have a winner. The first 60 seconds of this song are what make it stand out, of course, although the rest is good too.

6. Beautiful, Christina Aguilera
When Christina Aguilera first burst onto the scene with her big hit “Genie In A Bottle”, she was labeled as another ditzy pop princess, which is exactly what that song made her out to be. Now that playing up her sex appeal has made her famous, however, we find that this is actually a woman who has some serious talent, and this song showcases that very well. Not only does her voice take on an almost inhuman perfection worthy of the best divas, but the tune, which is basically soft jazz-pop, is achingly beautiful. Man, is this an awesome song; if softer songs could be this good, I wouldn’t be listening to hard rock all the time.

You should share with me the songs that take you back to memories of failed romances or broken hearts. Or at the very least, tell me that you have a lot of country music in your music library. And don’t worry, we won’t focus solely on depressing heartbreak music. Perhaps next week I’ll write a post about songs I had sex to. That sounds like fun for everyone no one.

A little more…. November 13, 2008

I keep losing my keys, my mind, my lighters…On the other hand, I still have a note given to me from a boy when we were in the sixth grade.
I can sleep anywhere but am nervous to sneeze in front of strangers or let people who know mr touch my face. I can pretend that Santa Claus is real, that the Tooth Fairy really does leave money, that leprechauns do exist but I can’t fake liking people I don’t.

In the past, I’ve been weirded out by people who’ve had rooms dedicated to their favorite tv show yet I sometimes catch myself talking about Derek (Grey’s anatomy) like he’s a real person. Who I need to get in touch with. To you know, talk to about anatomy and his dreamy eyes.

I color code my books and clothes but can’t remember the last time I actually sorted my laundry to the standards that others would deem acceptable.
I can happily spend 45 minutes teaching seven year olds how to put three sheets in a duo tang, but I will lose patience with a car that takes an extra 4.5 seconds to turn on a green light. I will forget my address, my phone number, my age but **will never forget a single birthday.

I am horrible at keeping in touch but will be the first person to pick up the phone at 3 am when you call. I spend an embarrassing amount of money on heel-y shoes, yet find that im most comfortable bare-foot.

I still pick out my outfit the night before, but will skip dinner because making a meal takes planning that I don’t care to do. I will pay 400rs. for a bottle of nail posh but have tried to peel off old stamps off of envelopes to reuse.
I have both Metallica and The Little Mermaid on my music list.

I’m perfectly content dancing on a dance floor alone but have yet to go to a movie solo. I’m always awkward when it comes to shaking people’s hands, but will hug you instantly. I love karaoke but feel like speaking in front of crowds was only put on this Earth to scare me into silence.

I like eggs, but only if I make them- if someone else makes them I’d rather eat something mouldy. I think the perfect day includes a nap, and a spontaneous dance party (blame the dancing on listening to SO MUCH BAD *MUSIC in the last two days). I can explain twitter but can’t describe the electoral process in a way that makes it sound like I’m not drunk.

I can write posts of substance but sometimes like writing posts like this.

* Ja Rule? I’m talking to you. Also? Fat Joe? “What’s luv gotta do with a little menage” always makes me crack up. That’s pure poetry.

** I considered calling this post “Stripped Bare”. But thought that made me sound like a stripper. Not that there’s anything wrong with stripping.

TINM

Im Young and Experienced!!!! November 13, 2008

These last few weeks have made me sit back and think of the last coupla years of my life, not that im an old fuddy duddy (word courtesy @veiga2412) but im not growing younger either… And although im 23, and in my 20 something stage, I know there’s a lot more I can learn.

Jotting down what I’ve learned in my 20’s seems tragic now that I’ve started. Things I knew, I forgot. Lessons that were learned now need repeating. Mantras I’ve burned into my memory, fade and the hard lessons earned get tattered and lose meaning.
But in hind sight, isn’t that what growing up is all about? Accepting that not every accomplishment or milestone is a celebration, that some memories will be forgotten or that not all friendships will stand the test of time.

Being 20s (20 something) we tend to fall often. We stagger through relationships and careers, we make friends and lose them, we stay out too late and spend too much. We stumble. But we do more. We do better. We stretch our ability to understand the world on our own. We walk confidently into job interviews and walk proudly out of the past. We realize we have more in common with our parents than we think. We make friends and keep them. We take chances,- we leap for great things and we reach them.
We fall in love, oh we fall in love.

We meet people who make our hearts stop and we love every second of it. We almost die from feeling so alive. We live a decade of firsts. First dates, first kisses and first “I love yous”. We will one day grow old- you and I, and envy how we loved at this age. We will look back and see us young enough to give our hearts without them being chained with past mistakes or heavy cynicism- old enough to reap the rewards of being brave enough to try.

Here’s something I’ve learned…

On Relationships:
Sex on a beach is overrated, sex on a water bed is not. A kiss on the forehead can be the best kind. The ‘ex’ is an ex for a reason. Follow your heart, but trust your brain. Loves means having to say sorry. Do not date a man who owns more hair products than you. If he likes you, he will tell you. Dancing can be the best type of foreplay, but never underestimate the power of a game of Scrabble. They are just as scared as you. Bad dates at least make good stories. It’s the guy who makes you laugh when you are crying that you want to keep. Don’t look back. Say “I love you” when you mean it. Do not call old boyfriends after consuming a gallon of wine- no one wins.

On Beauty:
Floss. You can never own too much lip gloss. Great posture changes everything. I will always burn myself attempting to heat my eyelash curler. You always look prettier when you are happy. Bronzer is always a good thing. SLEEP.

On Entertaining:
Call partying “entertaining” and it will always sound classier. Never underestimate the fun of board games. “Beer before liquor never been sicker- liquor before beer and you’re in the clear”. Take more pictures. Pool cannot be boring, and if it is- you need to play with different people. Wine is always a good gift to bring. Dance Mix 94 is the greatest CD ever and you shouldn’t trust anyone who disagrees with you.

On Family:
Be thankful you have them and TELL THEM THAT.

On Work:
Find something to like about your job. Do not talk about your ‘entertaining’ weekend with the boss. Effort is always appreciated, but results are remembered. Always pack a bigger lunch than you think you will eat. Do the best you can with what you’ve got. Keep your resume updated.

On Life:
You will be happier if you stop reading Cosmo. Keep a journal; it’s comforting to read how far you’ve come. Find an issue to get passionate about. Give more than you get and you will get more than you need. It’s never too late to send a sympathy card or a thank you note. Travel to someplace where you don’t speak the language- after you suffer a mental breakdown, you will begin to enjoy it. Get a library card. Never turn down a birthday invite, a travel offer or a party involving wine tasting. Do not waste time on people who don’t deserve it. Ask your grandparents to tell you their stories. Do not wash towels with anything else but towels. Googling George Clooney photos is NOT “putting yourself out there”. Listen to your mom.

I’ve learned that being a 20something isn’t all late nights and third dates. It goes faster than that, a whirlwind of firsts and almosts, of heartbreak and independence. It’s weddings and funerals, blurs of travel and education, a hurricane of change that takes your breath away. Your life zooms past you as you sit on a train basking in the afternoon light. You stare out a window and into the world as it goes by and though you can’t articulate every thing you are seeing, everything you are feeling- you grasp it’s beauty in one giant swoop and realize what is out there and know you are going in the right direction. And that’s a feeling you can hold on to.

That’s a feeling I can hold on to.

TDNBTMITIFS