This is what made me * guffaw * this morning!!! April 27, 2009

Have had a pretty shitty weekend but @rajasen managed to get me smiling or guffawing this morning, here’s what he told me:

This guy walks into his house at 5am,

nudges his sleeping wife,

tells her he’s really randy,

she mumbles that she’s really tired,

so he nudges her again,

and says “I know you’re tired, but at least give me a blowjob.”

She sighs and tells him……..

‘I’m really really tired. Why don’t you wank off in a glass and I can drink it in the morning???’

GUFFAW!!!!!

YaYmen on Twitter April 22, 2009

Yesterday I wrote a post on how it feels to be a man, today ladies, we will give you the opportunity to actually applaud them, as well as let the world know you love them.

Have you ever felt that his smile was enough to make you melt? His sweetness was not in when he opened doors for you, but simply when he pushed away that stray hair from your eyes so he could look into them?

Have you ever noticed how lucky you feel when he does something without being asked? Or when he does something the moment you had decided in your head to tell him to do it? Or just how he makes you feel like the only girl in the world for him?

Have you ever felt a father’s love or your brother’s protectiveness and felt secure?

Well Girls, here is your opportunity to show them how grateful you are for having them in your lives. It can be as simple as a smile to something as racy as their amazing butts.

If you are on twitter… get ready to nominate and then vote for your *little bits of happiness*. You can nominate them based on Butt, Abs, Smile, Humour, Personality, Flirt, Intellect and Successfulness!

So just as Shakti said in her post: So go on guys, get all your gal pals to nominate you. And girls, only you can nominate Yaymen. You don’t want to miss out on this opportunity to thank all the men who make life oh-so-interesting!

And as Reena proclaimed in her post:

#yaymen are not necessarily beefcakes and neither are they all required to have minds that work faster than a computer.

#yaymen are simply men who make women go YAY for knowing them and make us say Amen for their existence.

#yaymen does objectify men on many grounds, but it is a benevolent kind of objectification. It is an objectification rounded off by our true appreciation and admiration for our #yaymen and their ways.

#yaymen most importantly, is our call to women all over the world who are categorized and criticized for speaking their minds about THEIR desires and needs.

#yaymen is our hope that among all the male rapists, molesters, violators, eve-teasers, paedophiles, womanizers and other riff raff that make our lives miserable, there exist genuine men who are actually quite nice and actually capable of making us inordinately happy for being us and for being women.

And as Apurva agreed!!!

So Ladies get read to rave to the entire twitterverse why your nominee deserves to win! Guys get your women campaigning!

Objectify. Admire. Express.

Process Guidelines:

NOMINATIONS

For NOMINATIONS – ONLY Women can nominate, so all the #yaymen need to actually CAMPAIGN to get their women following them to nominate for them.

They can nominate them for the following categories:

• Butt
• Abs
• Smile
• Humour
• Personality
• Flirt
• Intellect
• Successful

Nomination replies will be as follows: @yay_men i nominate @boy1 for his personality – or – @yay_men i nominate @boy2 for his amazing butt!

Nominations will be closed one week from the day we announce the opening, i.e. 28th April.

We will tally the nominations and announce finalists in the different categories on the 30th of April.

Finalists will be informed thru a series of tweets such as: @boy1 @boy2 @boy3 finalists in the “Best Smile Category”

VOTING

Once the finalists have been announced, VOTING can begin.

They will need to vote with this line @yay_men i vote for @boy1 in the BEST SMILE category.

ANYBODY and EVERYBODY can vote as long as they’re on Twitter.

Voting will end 1 week from when it began, i.e. 7th May.

Winners will be announced on the following Saturday or Sunday afternoon.

Have you loved your MEN today? April 21, 2009

Most women have it good in today’s society, albeit a few struggles. What we do though is harp on how EASY men have it.

Have you ever taken a step back and actually thought about it? Have you ever envisioned what it must be like for our men?

Envision a little boy, innocent, sweet, full of love and joy. Which fades into aggressiveness and muscle when they are sent to pre-school, taught to be *nice* to girls as they are weaker while the girls can do what they want and the little boy will only have to endure it, because they are girls and you are a boy.

Envision his teenage years, all through high school and college he hears of stories about rape and orgies and that MEN ARE SEX PREDATORS; let alone anything else. He is subjected to a stream of negative images and portrayals of men, while that is exactly what he will grow up to be, a MAN.

Boys, remember when you finally realised when your parents actually called you a *YOUNG MAN.* You became more aware of all the pretty *YOUNG* women around you and all you wanted to find is a sweet simple girl to fall in love with and marry and begin a family. You are a nice guy, but girls have been through college too and they’ve heard all those stories of girls raped by *nice guys* just like you. You want to love but are jaded instead.

Imagine our young men sent to the military or navy or merchant navy. While serving your country is honourable, engaging in war can have its repercussions. You watch as some of the men you served with go home in coffins and this doesn’t allow you to sleep at night because it haunts you. You have health problems no one cares about. You are after all a man and it is MEN who started wars, right?

Envision what it must be like for men who’ve given up on marriage because if in case it doesn’t work out, the family court system is against you anyway. You risk losing everything you have ever built. You also don’t want your non-existent children to go thru the hatred. You don’t want to put him through anything. You’re afraid a divorce may destroy your image in his eyes, as he watches his mother who left you, rename you a BASTARD and doesn’t have one nice thing to say about that little boy’s father, although they have shared happy times.

You are not a coward but it’s better to never have loved at all than lose what you love. Society has named you a liar, loser, pedophile, maniac, predator, loner, psycho, desperate and lots of other derogatory names. There has to be something wrong with you, you just can’t be normal!

We have spent enough time going on about how terrible they are, but in honesty they are not. This post is to celebrate the men in our lives. To let them know that although we complain, we are grateful. We admire them and love them! They make us happy and say “YAY!”

How many of these men have gone up burning buildings to save lives, fully aware of the fact, it’s a climb to their own doom.  How many of them have been on the frontline of battles to protect their countries, their homes and their families? Fully aware that it was their life they were giving up.

How many husbands, fathers, boyfriends, brothers, fiancés work all day at a boring and thankless job, just so he can provide for his family? They never complain, never question. They just work. I’m not asking for pity and help for these men, instead we want to appreciate and thank them for all they do for us.

Honestly, I love my men, not in an “I’m a slut and men are great at that” way. I love all their flaws and imperfections and characteristics and euphemisms that make them MEN. I could go on about these brilliant traits but I don’t have the time or blog space.

So here’s a cheer to all the MEN that feel unappreciated. We do notice things and love you loads. You may think we take you for granted and don’t notice the details, while most of us don’t, we would like to thank you for that too!

I know if there was anything gruesome that needed doing, like killing a cockroach, I’d call my man.

None of us argue in the car with the man if there’s a flat tire, we both know who’s going to fix it!

If there is anything repulsive to be done, I wouldn’t be doing it. Not because I refuse, I wouldn’t have to; I know my man will do it!

May a time we have offered, but shot down because the men in our lives can handle it. Because they are there to protect us and provide for us. Do not deny them that right.

So all you #Yaymen out there, THANK YOU. We want all you men who go around silently feeling unappreciated although you sacrifice so much for us to know that you are loved. To know we draw from your strengths and we wouldn’t be strong if not for you!

You may be underappreciated but you are definitely not unappreciated!!

Therefore, I pledge to OBJECTIFY, ADMIRE, and EXPRESS my gratitude for all the #Yaymen in my life. You are not applauded for your laurels (although that may help) or your achievements. You are a star for being a man, for being strong and we tip our hats to you.

You deserve the best!

If you would like to celebrate your man, please get onto Twitter, follow @shaktijs, @unitechy, @spitphyre, @limeice and me (@punkpolkadots) and join us in the celebration. You can applaud not only your husbands, but your brothers, fathers, nephews, cousins and anybody else who is male as long as they are on Twitter.

Stay tuned for how the #YaYmen process will move further!

Till then, my readers go hug your #YaYmen today and tell them how much they mean to you!!

Xoxo,

M.

Clarity April 14, 2009

Had the best Easter weekend ever! And what I have come to notice is that sometimes boys are truly in tune with a woman’s feelings and sensitivities. So although yesterday was hard to grapple with the fact that my boy just spent the weekend with me and he was now home, it had to be done. It turned a rather ‘blue’ Monday into a GLOOMY blue Monday and looks like an even “bluer” Tuesday.

Radiohead’s “Creep” is playing on loop in my head! (I wish I was SPESHSHOL, so fucking SPESHSHOL), and I have decided to pass my “cheeriness” onto all of you today. Yes, I am fucking nice to all of you… please take my happiness and rub it in your faces!! On a happier note, I actually wanna make you smile, so in turn you can comment positively at the end of this post and in return perk me up!

For those of you men who wonder, what it is to make my boy “speshshol” read on… I am not innocent of nagging here and I usually get into fits of rage, but he calms me down in the cutest way and his pretence of being silly makes me guffaw, ever so often!

Below are a few insights into making a women tock… lists have already been made on “what makes a women tick”!!

1. Nothing is sexier than a man comfortable in his own skin. Even more so if he finds our flawed bodies perfect. Brownie points if he doesn’t make a repulsive face.

2. All women have liked Backstreet Boys / Nsync / Westlife at some point in their lives. I was a Westlife Wannabe. I planned a future around “Mark” and his dreamy blue eyes. They’re all pretty.

3. We hate that you get called a “player” when you are a player. We get called “sluts”!!

4. Passionate musicians make our knees weak.

5. It’s a tough role to play when we’re juggling a full blown career as well as trying to be a girlfriend or wife. Cut us some slack every now and then.

6. We spray our cleavage with deo. If we like you, we wear a skirt to pass a subtle hint and chances are we have also sprayed the backs of our knees.

7. We hardly ever take time in the loo. It’s the other women that do!

8. We all have a flirting system. Pay attention and you will find it.

9. We know the power of our breasts and we aren’t afraid to use them!!

10. Most of us can’t cook a proper meal. You’ll be “awesum” to us if you can!!

11. Most guys that we’re attracted to, mentally and sometimes psychically is because you are a lot like our dads. Creepy, I know but it is a fact.

12. But we won’t tell you that, and if you, even accidently, compare us to your MOM, we WILL run!!

13. The clitoris is not a toy.

14. We’re almost always judging you, if we think you are a potential romantic prospect that is… if not then you may act however you want to!

15. That thing we do, that you like? It’s not spontaneous! We’ve probably practiced it a million times, perfected it with inputs from our girlfriends, albeit drunk.

16. Like hustling, we are genetically engineered to bargain and reduce prices from 5% to 10%

17. We are also unhappy that boys get off being stronger psychically rather than mentally.

18. It can be sexy though.

19. Looks aren’t really important to us and we’ve told you that a million times. Accept reason one million and one: all we really want is a good boy with a golden heart.

20. You’re not cute when you’re drunk.

21. You are however cute, when WE’RE drunk!

22. We really like to know what you boys think of, when you do think.

23. Most of us want kids. Even the ones who say they don’t. We just don’t know it yet. But then a few of us really don’t. Go Figure!!

24. All women are multi-faceted and can multi-task. It’s just that we don’t believe in showing off.

25. Although we have a tough shell image all we want to be is loved. And sometimes lusted for!

26. Sometimes we only want to be lusted for.

27. While in the nookie, if you noticed unshaved legs or armpits, granny panties, it’s so you won’t think we’re sluts when we sleep with you.

28. We know when you’ve been bad. It’s true.

29. We aren’t peeved or opposed with the idea of kissing other women. We like to tease you.

30. And finally, if you think that you can get away with sleeping with our friends and us not finding out about it. Oh, we will know. And we will gossip about the size of your penis and if you were unusually selfish and greedy in bed, we will compare it to bigger ones we’ve seen.

Disclaimer: Please remember that I am generalizing and this is to be taken with a dash of humour.

We haven’t seen a lot of big dicks. Not in real life anyway.

Boys you’ll are welcome to make your lists!!

Women in Trains and Stray Dogs April 2, 2009

It’s been awhile that I’ve written a blog post on random things, so here goes!

I’ve recently been ranting about women in trains… its unbelievable; every woman that gets into a train thinks she’s entitled to a seat!! That’s stupid, why wud the women in seats leave work or home early just so that they’d get a place to sit! Wake up early you freaking lazy women and get a seat yourselves! Find a way! And then once they get in, they ask every sitting soul where they’re gonna get off and make faces depending on the answer! It’s ridiculous! Some of them do sit on the edge after asking the other women to move in… While that’s ok to me, what really gets to me is the way women in trains sit, they should know there are no men there and it’s not an invitation to f&#k! Keep your legs together women! Maybe then there’d be more place to sit! They sit with their legs apart like there’s a crank in their skirts or pants and when asked to make space, the gasp with wide eyes, look towards their right/left side and ask “Where??!?”. Between your legs MORON!!! Two people can fit there!!! When will these women learn? To experience the worst of it, I openly dare you to get into ladies compartment (this dare is for women ofcourse!) on a train bound passed Andheri around 6-45, 7-00pm, sitting or standing won’t matter. Watch the women of Andheri board the train! It’s crazy!! I think the station has this secret room where they primp and puff these women with rage and strength, makes me reminisce videos I’ve seen of the bull fighters in San Juan! Honestly!

Another rant, I can’t seem to find a good dog or animal shelter in Mumbai that I can visit on weekends to use my time constructively! I have visited a few “animal clinics” but that not what I am looking for, I want to find a place where I can go and spend a few hours feeding, petting and walking the animals, contribute non monetarily, you know? And websites are most unhelpful! I can’t find a single animal shelter in Mumbai and that’s so hard to believe! And it’s sad because I really love animals; I keep feeding the strays in my compound and can’t help but remember my Scooby back home! He’s my very own “Marley”, and my mom is witness to this… He is absolutely the worst dog we know, he can destroy a living area in two minutes flat and has, overtime, learned to open the fridge and eat “only” the cooked food! He is a non-vegetarian dog for sure! Sometimes I wished he’d learn to ‘flush’ the toilet than steal our food! My dad spends more money feeding my dog and cats than he does us! But that dog is the love of my life, we gave away more than 8 dogs two months ago, we couldn’t bring ourselves to give Scooby away and I doubt that we will ever. He can destroy, eat and poop all over the house, but we will always want him. The funny thing is that I feel in a weird way he understands me, my insecurities, my sadness, my joy, and my troubles. He sulks with me when I’ve had a bad day, it’s comforting to watch him plopped down on the rug next to me, mulling over my bad day; it comforts me to watch him jump and attack (in a friendly way) when he knows I’m happy, it’s adorably cute when he brings me one of his half chewed “bones” to share when I’m sad. He’s extremely possessive of us and won’t let anyone hurt us or get too close; his bark goes in overdrive if he senses it. He’s extremely jealous when we pet the cats and cuddle them, to the extent that he’ll pull them outta our hands or chase them until they jump walls to get away. He isn’t just a dog, he’s a friend.

Why can’t people be as emotional as animals, don’t you think the world would be better. Their instincts are way better than ours, they sense fear, they sense danger, and they sense love. While we’re just a bunch of trusting idiots that run around being cheated, trampled and using others. Maybe animals are superior beings to us and we are considered second mortals to their world, that soothes me in a funny way.

So, two things for you to do… Let me know if you know of an animal shelter in Mumbai that I can visit… and secondly be nice… just… in general, the next time you feel a mean streak coming on and it is absolutely not necessary, give me call, I’ll share my half chewed “bone” with you!