To the women who make me waste time in restrooms, FUCK YOU! August 7, 2009

This morning as I overslept I dreamt of the weekend that was to be. *sigh* bliss… Then I realised.. Fraack, I’m late! Brushed, Dressed, Left home. And Murphy strikes! I needed to pee. I can’t hold the need. I have to. Last resort… uses a public restroom. *sigh* (not in a good way!) And for all you women who turn your noses up to the nasty smell emancipating from the men’s room, YOU’RE waaaay nastier!!

So the next time you’re going to use a public restroom, stop being a wuss and sit on the fucking seat, seriously. Fucking pussy.

You can’t catch anything serious by sitting on the seat! It has been proved! Unless you can see tiny warts or crabs crawling on the seat, please (and I say it in the nicest way possible) SIT THE FRACCCK DOWN!!!

I mean except for your thighs and a bit of your ass touches the seat.. How many women do you know are sadistic enough to spread their gloop around on the seat? Yea, I guessed as many too.

So, please stop squatting on the seat and spraying like a freaking garden pipe infused with a water divider!! Stop being in denial! You aren’t built like a man! We cannot maintain a Straight shoot! Commodes were built for us… in the bowl like shape! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE USE IT!

It isn’t very comforting to enter stalls that have piss on all the seats! It’s annoying to roll out toilet paper for us lesser mortals as we clean your mess so we can pee like a normal human instead of hob-nobbin on the seat like an epileptic with Alzheimer’s!

This makes me think, if you’re painting the stall with your pee, you must surely get some on yourself! Which, I’m guessing you appreciate better than sitting on a dry seat someone else has sat on! You must be insane. Clinically.

If you are and refuse to sit on the seat, please at least try and behave like a woman and CLEAN THE SHIT UP! No matter how hard it is for your tiny brain, try decency sometimes.

Speaking of which, you’ll are the same bitches that complain about men leaving the seat up! It’s just a single lift! And yet you’ll throw a hissy fit, I agree with them, if you aren’t using the seat put it up like men do! It definitely is easier to get stuff into the pot without dirtying the seat this way! Let’s just be realistic here!

So basically, I wanna pee quickly and get the fuck outta there! And you should be able to do the same! That would make the lines shorter. Men, the reason women take so long in the loo is because either they just pissed themselves while squatting and are now cleaning themselves up OR its poor souls like us wasting time cleaning seats after these nasty whores leave!

So, you mothafucking pussy’s, STOP HOVERING AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN!

Cheers,

M.

Letter to a younger Me… June 24, 2009

Dear Me,

I was going to write you this letter a long time ago, but you know how lazy I am, don’t you? Duh, you do cuz by now you are a brilliant 14 year old still trying to make your sisters life miserable. Also those huge platform clogs you wear – STOP! They’re ugly as hell and make you look like an invalid!

Start drinking a lot of water, even though I know you hate it. It’ll make you keep the weight off and not worry about finding clothes like I do now. Keep with the reading, those books will grow into an obsession and keep you out of trouble.

Don’t believe anything Jackie or Gwen or any of the more popular girls tell you, they’re all liars and sleep-a rounds. You are perfect the way you are. Plus, when you are older you’ll realize how ugly they really are. Jackie with her platypus feet and Gwen with her bunny ears.

Take good care of your hair; you will miss its straightness when it starts to frizzle in the Mumbai heat. Don’t pick up that cigarette James offers you; it’ll be a hard habit to kick.

Also don’t worry too much about your failed relationship with Velroy; he will come back, albeit 9 years later. Stay away from Najeeb and gang, those boys are T.R.O.U.B.L.E. You will meet some fine boys after that but don’t fall too easily, they will just drain your energy and suck your excitement away.

When Velroy does eventually come back, be nice to him. You will come to respect his love and understand his actions. You will also find out that you were better friends than lovers.

STAY AWAY FROM SUSHIL.

He will be the biggest cheater you will ever meet. Also from a whore called PEARL. She will make your life miserable with her misery. This particular time in your life will be stressful, but you will get out of it. Don’t side with Pearls insecurities, she is a lying, conniving whore who tried to ruin a boy’s like, know that she can do the same to you. Sushil will cheat on you and lie to you all through your relationship. Break up with him the night he doesn’t show you his phone when you notice a message from a certain slut in Kerala, trust me, it isn’t his Grandmother messaging. Listen to your sister. Although he will give you money, use him and lose him.

Prepare yourself for a real good boy to walk into your life a year later. You willexperience happiness again.

Do not let your sister run the shaving blade over your shin! It will destroy your non-hairy legs and force you to keep it up for the rest of your life. But at the same time, don’t fight with your sister, don’t feed her onions or drink her milk, DO NOT PUSH HER FROM THE BALCONY!! In the next few years you will be separated from her and you will miss her like crazy.

Don’t worry too much about school; you’ll ace your board exams better than some show off relatives who push their children. However don’t believe them when they tell you that Mangalore is mini-Mumbai. You will live to regret it! Stay back with Mom and Dad, they are your only rocks! They will love you and your faults no matter what!

Love your shoes; they are the only things that will fit you no matter what. Learn to Relax, learn to take a joke. Challenge your teachers more, they will love you for it and hate you too. You will keep them on their toes.

Something’s that will never change about us is our ability to hang on to our beliefs and our neediness to learn. Stop being rebellious, some people really care about you.

But you know what girl; you’ll turn out just fine. You’ll also learn that most women are weird and desperate, but you will also meet the kinds that aren’t and you will form lifelong friendships.

You will be happy.

You will be alright.

Xoxo

Your 24 year old self.

Men, Women and Yaymen June 2, 2009

It’s been awhile since I’ve written but then again, I’ve been going through a bunch of terrible stuff, I’ve made friends and lost a few too. Made new connections and amazing bonds that I hope will last a lifetime! (Shaaq I louve you!) I’ve learned alot about myself and also the type of person I am. Some of my beliefs have changed and some have been re-affirmed.

I also concur with alot of men when they say they don’t understand women!! Cuz, I’m one and I honestly don’t understand my species!! Also we’ve (Shaaq, G, Purr, Ree and I) have been able to take Yaymen to a totally new level, you might wanna watch this space for progress as well as follow us on Twitter. If you’re not on Twitter, I suggest you get out of the Stone Age and join Twitter. Plus, we’re just a fun bunch of girls!! Shaaq’s unique personality has me doing cartwheels and G’s funkeh-ness and photography never ceases to amaze me. I’ve connected with these two on totally different levels. Purr is the sweetest thing, with an amazing head on her shoulders, initially shy, I’ve now seen a totally different side to her. And I am glad I did. Ree is well Ree. She’s articulate, outspoken and how! And that’s why we love her. She does confuse us from time to time with her behaviour but I guess the introduction of Yaymen has opened a lot of doors to everyone of us.

We now appreciate more the men in our lives and make them feel unique. We know how much they put up with and now take on our own crosses so we may help. For those of us without men we have learned to be more sensitive to their needs as well as more attentive to the “real” men interested in us.

Although even the few of us who are attached in commitment to husbands, boyfriends or even engaged have a little fun here and there, we DO NOT forget our man! They still are amongst our top priority and they always will be. They are the men that support us, love us and have loved us when we were nobodys. This initiative is in appreciation first for them and then the rest of the world. As part of the Yaymen jury, we all are honest and truthful in terms of our commitments and also in terms of our voices. And we like it that our men support our cause. This isn’t a jury of 5 frisky women that just want to get it on, although there may be a few times it seemed that way. It is a jury that includes the sentiments of G’s husband (whom we love for allowing our purdy girl to be online and on twitter too – Sum, we may not know you, but we love you!!), Ree’s fiancé (Mel – Dont worry we’re looking out for her!), Purr and Shaaq (to the soon-to-be men in their lives – wake up already, don’t let these girls go so easy!!) and last but not least, BB – thank you for allowing me to express my thoughts on men and what they do without judging me or saying that it takes up too much of my time. My loyalty is with you forever.

The men in our lives come first. We make sure we are prime role models for our cause and we lead by example. We do not neglect our man’s needs and we certainly do not do anything that would make them think otherwise. As part of the yaymen jury we take pride in knowing that our men support our cause and only because they understand what we do we are a part of it. If we were to have any of our men unhappy with our involvement we’d know what to do. So, just so my readers know. Yaymen isn’t about finding love, it isn’t about craving attention, it isn’t about finding new men. It is about appreciating men and the qualities we ever so often overlook.

Yaymen has taught me alotta things. Its taught me that even the quiet girls need love, that the tom boys also have a heart and they also need to be “somebody’s baby.” I’ve also majorly learnt that women who never got the attention, now glorify themselves in it. They think it’s ok to abandon earlier commitments and make new ones, parade themselves like they’ve earned it just because they’ve said a few measly “thank you’s.” Secretly go out to meet men and forget who they are. Guys, these are the women you need to be careful of, they aren’t who you think they are.

Remember, girls definitely do not want to know about the girl you knew with the best rack ever or that she is too be introduced to every woman you know or had some kind of relationship, apart from your family ofcourse!

We like boys who take showers and make an effort to look and smell clean! Its a double bonus whammy when your nails are clean!

Remember boys, girls do not appreciate you putting your hands under your armpits and making noises of a strange creature, nor do they find joy in you burping the alphabet. This behaviour is strictly for a BOYS NIGHT OUT!

YaYmen on Twitter April 22, 2009

Yesterday I wrote a post on how it feels to be a man, today ladies, we will give you the opportunity to actually applaud them, as well as let the world know you love them.

Have you ever felt that his smile was enough to make you melt? His sweetness was not in when he opened doors for you, but simply when he pushed away that stray hair from your eyes so he could look into them?

Have you ever noticed how lucky you feel when he does something without being asked? Or when he does something the moment you had decided in your head to tell him to do it? Or just how he makes you feel like the only girl in the world for him?

Have you ever felt a father’s love or your brother’s protectiveness and felt secure?

Well Girls, here is your opportunity to show them how grateful you are for having them in your lives. It can be as simple as a smile to something as racy as their amazing butts.

If you are on twitter… get ready to nominate and then vote for your *little bits of happiness*. You can nominate them based on Butt, Abs, Smile, Humour, Personality, Flirt, Intellect and Successfulness!

So just as Shakti said in her post: So go on guys, get all your gal pals to nominate you. And girls, only you can nominate Yaymen. You don’t want to miss out on this opportunity to thank all the men who make life oh-so-interesting!

And as Reena proclaimed in her post:

#yaymen are not necessarily beefcakes and neither are they all required to have minds that work faster than a computer.

#yaymen are simply men who make women go YAY for knowing them and make us say Amen for their existence.

#yaymen does objectify men on many grounds, but it is a benevolent kind of objectification. It is an objectification rounded off by our true appreciation and admiration for our #yaymen and their ways.

#yaymen most importantly, is our call to women all over the world who are categorized and criticized for speaking their minds about THEIR desires and needs.

#yaymen is our hope that among all the male rapists, molesters, violators, eve-teasers, paedophiles, womanizers and other riff raff that make our lives miserable, there exist genuine men who are actually quite nice and actually capable of making us inordinately happy for being us and for being women.

And as Apurva agreed!!!

So Ladies get read to rave to the entire twitterverse why your nominee deserves to win! Guys get your women campaigning!

Objectify. Admire. Express.

Process Guidelines:

NOMINATIONS

For NOMINATIONS – ONLY Women can nominate, so all the #yaymen need to actually CAMPAIGN to get their women following them to nominate for them.

They can nominate them for the following categories:

• Butt
• Abs
• Smile
• Humour
• Personality
• Flirt
• Intellect
• Successful

Nomination replies will be as follows: @yay_men i nominate @boy1 for his personality – or – @yay_men i nominate @boy2 for his amazing butt!

Nominations will be closed one week from the day we announce the opening, i.e. 28th April.

We will tally the nominations and announce finalists in the different categories on the 30th of April.

Finalists will be informed thru a series of tweets such as: @boy1 @boy2 @boy3 finalists in the “Best Smile Category”

VOTING

Once the finalists have been announced, VOTING can begin.

They will need to vote with this line @yay_men i vote for @boy1 in the BEST SMILE category.

ANYBODY and EVERYBODY can vote as long as they’re on Twitter.

Voting will end 1 week from when it began, i.e. 7th May.

Winners will be announced on the following Saturday or Sunday afternoon.

Have you loved your MEN today? April 21, 2009

Most women have it good in today’s society, albeit a few struggles. What we do though is harp on how EASY men have it.

Have you ever taken a step back and actually thought about it? Have you ever envisioned what it must be like for our men?

Envision a little boy, innocent, sweet, full of love and joy. Which fades into aggressiveness and muscle when they are sent to pre-school, taught to be *nice* to girls as they are weaker while the girls can do what they want and the little boy will only have to endure it, because they are girls and you are a boy.

Envision his teenage years, all through high school and college he hears of stories about rape and orgies and that MEN ARE SEX PREDATORS; let alone anything else. He is subjected to a stream of negative images and portrayals of men, while that is exactly what he will grow up to be, a MAN.

Boys, remember when you finally realised when your parents actually called you a *YOUNG MAN.* You became more aware of all the pretty *YOUNG* women around you and all you wanted to find is a sweet simple girl to fall in love with and marry and begin a family. You are a nice guy, but girls have been through college too and they’ve heard all those stories of girls raped by *nice guys* just like you. You want to love but are jaded instead.

Imagine our young men sent to the military or navy or merchant navy. While serving your country is honourable, engaging in war can have its repercussions. You watch as some of the men you served with go home in coffins and this doesn’t allow you to sleep at night because it haunts you. You have health problems no one cares about. You are after all a man and it is MEN who started wars, right?

Envision what it must be like for men who’ve given up on marriage because if in case it doesn’t work out, the family court system is against you anyway. You risk losing everything you have ever built. You also don’t want your non-existent children to go thru the hatred. You don’t want to put him through anything. You’re afraid a divorce may destroy your image in his eyes, as he watches his mother who left you, rename you a BASTARD and doesn’t have one nice thing to say about that little boy’s father, although they have shared happy times.

You are not a coward but it’s better to never have loved at all than lose what you love. Society has named you a liar, loser, pedophile, maniac, predator, loner, psycho, desperate and lots of other derogatory names. There has to be something wrong with you, you just can’t be normal!

We have spent enough time going on about how terrible they are, but in honesty they are not. This post is to celebrate the men in our lives. To let them know that although we complain, we are grateful. We admire them and love them! They make us happy and say “YAY!”

How many of these men have gone up burning buildings to save lives, fully aware of the fact, it’s a climb to their own doom.  How many of them have been on the frontline of battles to protect their countries, their homes and their families? Fully aware that it was their life they were giving up.

How many husbands, fathers, boyfriends, brothers, fiancés work all day at a boring and thankless job, just so he can provide for his family? They never complain, never question. They just work. I’m not asking for pity and help for these men, instead we want to appreciate and thank them for all they do for us.

Honestly, I love my men, not in an “I’m a slut and men are great at that” way. I love all their flaws and imperfections and characteristics and euphemisms that make them MEN. I could go on about these brilliant traits but I don’t have the time or blog space.

So here’s a cheer to all the MEN that feel unappreciated. We do notice things and love you loads. You may think we take you for granted and don’t notice the details, while most of us don’t, we would like to thank you for that too!

I know if there was anything gruesome that needed doing, like killing a cockroach, I’d call my man.

None of us argue in the car with the man if there’s a flat tire, we both know who’s going to fix it!

If there is anything repulsive to be done, I wouldn’t be doing it. Not because I refuse, I wouldn’t have to; I know my man will do it!

May a time we have offered, but shot down because the men in our lives can handle it. Because they are there to protect us and provide for us. Do not deny them that right.

So all you #Yaymen out there, THANK YOU. We want all you men who go around silently feeling unappreciated although you sacrifice so much for us to know that you are loved. To know we draw from your strengths and we wouldn’t be strong if not for you!

You may be underappreciated but you are definitely not unappreciated!!

Therefore, I pledge to OBJECTIFY, ADMIRE, and EXPRESS my gratitude for all the #Yaymen in my life. You are not applauded for your laurels (although that may help) or your achievements. You are a star for being a man, for being strong and we tip our hats to you.

You deserve the best!

If you would like to celebrate your man, please get onto Twitter, follow @shaktijs, @unitechy, @spitphyre, @limeice and me (@punkpolkadots) and join us in the celebration. You can applaud not only your husbands, but your brothers, fathers, nephews, cousins and anybody else who is male as long as they are on Twitter.

Stay tuned for how the #YaYmen process will move further!

Till then, my readers go hug your #YaYmen today and tell them how much they mean to you!!

Xoxo,

M.

Women in Trains and Stray Dogs April 2, 2009

It’s been awhile that I’ve written a blog post on random things, so here goes!

I’ve recently been ranting about women in trains… its unbelievable; every woman that gets into a train thinks she’s entitled to a seat!! That’s stupid, why wud the women in seats leave work or home early just so that they’d get a place to sit! Wake up early you freaking lazy women and get a seat yourselves! Find a way! And then once they get in, they ask every sitting soul where they’re gonna get off and make faces depending on the answer! It’s ridiculous! Some of them do sit on the edge after asking the other women to move in… While that’s ok to me, what really gets to me is the way women in trains sit, they should know there are no men there and it’s not an invitation to f&#k! Keep your legs together women! Maybe then there’d be more place to sit! They sit with their legs apart like there’s a crank in their skirts or pants and when asked to make space, the gasp with wide eyes, look towards their right/left side and ask “Where??!?”. Between your legs MORON!!! Two people can fit there!!! When will these women learn? To experience the worst of it, I openly dare you to get into ladies compartment (this dare is for women ofcourse!) on a train bound passed Andheri around 6-45, 7-00pm, sitting or standing won’t matter. Watch the women of Andheri board the train! It’s crazy!! I think the station has this secret room where they primp and puff these women with rage and strength, makes me reminisce videos I’ve seen of the bull fighters in San Juan! Honestly!

Another rant, I can’t seem to find a good dog or animal shelter in Mumbai that I can visit on weekends to use my time constructively! I have visited a few “animal clinics” but that not what I am looking for, I want to find a place where I can go and spend a few hours feeding, petting and walking the animals, contribute non monetarily, you know? And websites are most unhelpful! I can’t find a single animal shelter in Mumbai and that’s so hard to believe! And it’s sad because I really love animals; I keep feeding the strays in my compound and can’t help but remember my Scooby back home! He’s my very own “Marley”, and my mom is witness to this… He is absolutely the worst dog we know, he can destroy a living area in two minutes flat and has, overtime, learned to open the fridge and eat “only” the cooked food! He is a non-vegetarian dog for sure! Sometimes I wished he’d learn to ‘flush’ the toilet than steal our food! My dad spends more money feeding my dog and cats than he does us! But that dog is the love of my life, we gave away more than 8 dogs two months ago, we couldn’t bring ourselves to give Scooby away and I doubt that we will ever. He can destroy, eat and poop all over the house, but we will always want him. The funny thing is that I feel in a weird way he understands me, my insecurities, my sadness, my joy, and my troubles. He sulks with me when I’ve had a bad day, it’s comforting to watch him plopped down on the rug next to me, mulling over my bad day; it comforts me to watch him jump and attack (in a friendly way) when he knows I’m happy, it’s adorably cute when he brings me one of his half chewed “bones” to share when I’m sad. He’s extremely possessive of us and won’t let anyone hurt us or get too close; his bark goes in overdrive if he senses it. He’s extremely jealous when we pet the cats and cuddle them, to the extent that he’ll pull them outta our hands or chase them until they jump walls to get away. He isn’t just a dog, he’s a friend.

Why can’t people be as emotional as animals, don’t you think the world would be better. Their instincts are way better than ours, they sense fear, they sense danger, and they sense love. While we’re just a bunch of trusting idiots that run around being cheated, trampled and using others. Maybe animals are superior beings to us and we are considered second mortals to their world, that soothes me in a funny way.

So, two things for you to do… Let me know if you know of an animal shelter in Mumbai that I can visit… and secondly be nice… just… in general, the next time you feel a mean streak coming on and it is absolutely not necessary, give me call, I’ll share my half chewed “bone” with you!