An introduction…

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Nepalee, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row and im not GOD!
I woo men with my sensuous and goddess – like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 2 minute noodles in twenty seconds.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Bahrain.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in Srilanka from a horde of ferocious army ants.
I lead and base guitar, I was scouted by the underworld, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges out of matchsticks in my yard.
I enjoy urban hang gliding.
On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
I don’t perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy (ask my sister!).
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.
I have performed several covert operations for the CIA (Children in Action).
I sleep once a week (thanks to my job); when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Srilanka, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Juliet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to University.


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