Bring me a person who dislikes the topic of sex and i’ll show you a liar!

So recently, I read a post on Rohan Joshi’s blog [ read the entire blog, quite entertaining, my post is nothing compared to the stuff that’s in this dude’s demented mind!] that included context of the effervescent Dr. Mahindra Watsa (Ask the Sexpert – Mumbai Mirror) and as I mentioned in an older post, I am slightly sadistical (?). Not modest.

I remember shouting out loud morning while making breakfast, asking my roomie to read out the Sexpert column, and it wasn’t until after dinner that we stopped laughing.

Question 1 – Dear Sir, Where is the G-Spot’? Where is it located? How can it be identified? What role does it play in sex and pregnancy? Please guide me.”

And he all serious he continues “The G-spot is a small annular area, located behind the urethral opening on the anterior surface of the vagina. It is said to be a secondary erogenous (primary bring the clitoris) area which helps a woman reach orgasm.”

Wait, wait, wait, where’s the punch line?? And he goes on “It doesn’t play any part in pregnancy. It’s best not to bother about it.” Breakfast entered with coffee running out of noses, and breakfast cereal in our laps.

With that, my boring job inundated with strategy and broken English did not seem that bad!

Mumbai, the maximum populated city, with just as many vehicles, and bullock carts, it would be a good idea to find something that will keep your head on your shoulders! Friends make it a point to meet each other on weekends, my boss takes his wife to their weekend home, my neighbor works on his scotch collection and one moronic idiot actually takes horse riding lessons at the race course, yea, beats me!

My comfort is the Mumbai Mirror’s daily “Ask the Sexpert” Column.

Sometimes I wonder, are people really this naive? I like Dr. Watsa’s responses. They’re snappy, brief and practical. G-spots? Who needs that?? Questions are not selected for shock value, more like whatever comes in goes out! Garbage in, Garbage out! In the process you get to know of the concern for broken hymens, frequency of masturbation and penises shaped like “crooked bananas.”

Although when I do get pensive, I find the contradictions amusing. India, the land of sizzling and sultry temple carvings , the Kama Sutra, the soaking wet sari bollywood scenes. It is also the land of “no sex before marriage, after marriage, outside marriage, with members of the same sex [although Section 377 now makes it legal], and in no right mind are fetishes, rubber, leather accepted.

Ok, I’m digressing… here’s another…

I am a 24-year-old Army cadet. When I am alone with my girlfriend, I often get excited and get an erection. I do not want to have sex with her before marriage. My friend suggests I take anti-sex tablets. Which ones should I take?

Dr. Mahindra Watsa’s reply was “You are doing exactly what nature wants you to do when you are sexually excited. Please do not take any medicines. You can be firm not to have intercourse and can stop at petting. Your thinking is correct.”

While sex is “ideally” reserved for marriage, India in a way has resigned to the fact, that unmarried couples are having sex.  We have also accepted cross-dresses, the queer, taking “thoroughly washed and cleaned” vegetables into bed. Anal sex though is still taboo. No doctor would even comment on it, “It is still illegal in India.”

Contrary to that though, there are still traditional worry warts that write in to complain of their fears of catching diseases from toilet seats, shared cutlery, and kissing with the tongue. One guy actually asked “I recently shared a rickshaw with a lady who tried to arouse me. I understood her plan and decided to stay away. But my elbow happened to touch her breasts. Will it cause AIDS?”

And he got the right answer! Watsa retorted “Congratulations on not being enticed. There is absolutely no way you could have caught an infection of any kind, including AIDS. Looking forward to your rational thinking in the future.”

And the paranoia continues when a teenager writes in and says he ejaculated on his girlfriend’s foot. “Later, she washed her foot ensuring the semen doesn’t touch her vagina. However, I am very scared. Can she get pregnant? If yes, what’s the procedure to solve the problem?”

Watsa replies with “Have no fear! While “ejaculation near or around the vagina has at times resulted in a pregnancy… fortunately the foot does not have the power of the vagina!” Well Thank God for that, eh?

The subject of sexuality and engaging into the act is changing in India. The news is filled with one story or the other, recent ones being incest of the Mira Road case, an Indian couple’s national fight to get a late-term abortion, and the terrible sex ratios in Rajasthan. The population doesn’t appear magically, as long as we are procreating, Dr. Watsa will have a job.

And, I will have a funny morning read with my morning coffee, to keep me sane in a the city with over 1 million slum dwellers, 15 rupee rickshaw rides, parading road weddings, and pav bhajji that can never be replicated. Jai Ho!


9 thoughts on “Bring me a person who dislikes the topic of sex and i’ll show you a liar!

  1. I once read a Rediff chat where a lady had asked:
    I am not getting pregnant, can you suggest some position that can help me?

    But this Rickshaw thing beats all! “Looking forward to your rational thinking” – Rational thinking my foot!

    There are the self proclaimed saviors of Indian culture, and this one sucks because he does this in disguised, sweet, intelligent sounding words!

    Jai ho!

    (and the title was very apt – you can try replacing liar with hypocrite)

  2. Your post is truly hilarious.

    But lets not forget Dr Watsa, does get very judgmental about people. Well, as a professional, I am not really laughing.

  3. Well, since my knowledge of Dr. Watsa(for a moment I read that as Dr. Watson) is limited to this post of yours, we shall say no more. Peace!
    Sorry, forgot to add great post! Can’t wait to see your next post!

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