So, although this weekend is another blog post in itself, Monday left me with high fever and a bad throat! I was going crazy without work and as many of you know, I turned into the Grammar Nazi that I am and blatantly corrected anyone or anything that came within eye contact!
It also got me thinking on various “lines” of advice that I have been given in the past and although they seemed fancy at the said time, I thought differently! And I needed to rant! (Don’t I always??)
I remember being told as a child to “Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.” But what happens if I don’t? Why would I want to believe in this, when I know I aint gonna kick the bucket for quite awhile, and if I do, I sure hope it’s quick! And if I had to live everyday with this motto, then who would take into account the million jelly babies I ate? Or the 14000 kegs of beer I just downed, or pay the credit card bill I just exceeded??
So take your stars and fucking shove them where the sun goes down! If I wanted stars, I’d aim for the stars, better yet, knock your lights out! I aimed for the friggin moon!
Also, we’ve all gone through hearing this, at least one time in our lives. I still remember my mom telling me before my first interview: “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” – Really?? I mean if I were to do that, I‘d be fired, rather than promoted! Hypothetically if I wanted to be Donald Trump, and currently I’m working at McDonalds, it wouldn’t be too sane would it?? You’re not going to get any customers if you’re dressed up as a nurse at the strip club… Ooohh err wait, bad example…
That which doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger – CMON Kanye are you serious? Have you thought about people who’ve survived car accidents? Or Coma?? It would be a different case if the accident causes them to be penetrated by metal rods though! Going forward the quote will then change to “that, which doesn’t kill you, will make for a funny airport scanner story!” And Kanye, unless we are all 50 Cents of the world, who prove that 9 gunshot wounds result in perfect abs, you need a new song!
“The grass is always greener on the other side” – this one is so fucking clichéd, that it makes me *barf* every time I hear it. (Barf) Maybe cause you don’t take care of your fucking grass! (Barf) It is so overused!! (Barf) Stop complaining about your situation and using a wise ass sickening (barf) quote to back you up! Yes, your penis is small! Yes, your chest is flat! Yes, you are fat! Get over it! And if I’m complaining and this is what you say to me, then you’re a horrible friend! (barf) If I were you, and you were complaining, I’d be chain sawing that fence outta the way so we could smoke…err sit on the greener grass, u git! (Barf, barf, barf)
So, taking all this into consideration – I am going to spend money I don’t have, steal things I don’t need, and–get this–change lanes without signalling while I shoot at your roof, driving through your perfectly mown grass (barf) with a metal plank strapped to my back! Bite me!