I hate working on Saturdays, I need an outlet. I need someway to forget it was a Saturday and get through the 10-6 work timing. Inevitably, my best/closest friend decided to call up. Simple pleasures, really.
We got talking; it’s been about 3 weeks since we last spoke about anything. And it felt like years, but he’s a darling. We gossip. Oh, we gossip. Like I said a few days ago, if gossip was beer in our conversations, we would be wasted all the time. So we were talking about fashion, boys and the girl who’s giving him hell. Vaguely. He didn’t even remember her name and when I did remind him, he replied, “That’s a whore’s name.”
He was in a store buying mousse; the yucky ucky over fermented malt concoction. I know he hates it. He told me he was buying it for Satan. The girl he’s seeing, that he likes but hates that she wants anal ALL THE TIME. But seriously. Is there any “other” kind of butt sex apart from SURPRISE butt sex? His response to a woman’s orgasm? “I hate it when the woman cries out “OH MOTHER of GOD YEAH IN MY VAGINAAAAAAAA!!” He also went on to say he hates his idea’s being robbed. Penis in Vagina sex was his idea. He also stands firm when he says that naked women should do anything a man wearing clothes says.
I told him about my recent fascination with ice dancing. He made fun of me and called me queer. I said I was going to buy him skates and send it to him, so he can try it sometime. He asked me to save some money and buy a unicorn or “whatever you girls spend your money on.” Idiot.
I reminded him my birthday’s drawing close and that I wanted something pretty. He was very polite when he told me that he’ll get HIMSELF something PRETTY and let me play with it. Idiot. Again. I pondered over what his girlfriend saw in him. He thinks it was his big penis. “But she hadn’t see your penis when she first met you.” He assured me it was his huge penis, they were at a bar and he took it out to play pool. It’s apparently a sure shot party trick to getting laid.
He wants to buy a pet. He’s confused between dogs and rabbits. He says he’d buy a bunch of rabbits if they weren’t stupid. He finds them annoying because they chew extension cords. “So do you!” I pointed out. For him apparently, it’s a religious obligation. I was taken aback, “What’s you religion?” He wasn’t allowed to tell others. He told me he knew I was an outsider, because I don’t chew extension wires.
I was online and he asked if I would order something for him from eBay. I said no. He then told me he’s going to invent a scrumptious sandwich and name it after me. He would call it “bitchburger.” He then proceeded to tell me how he chooses gifts for friends at Christmas. He always gets them gifts he would like to receive. He’s buying me a gun.
I told him about the new house, and how I desperately need a washing machine with two baskets so I can do the laundry all at once. He disagrees saying that ill only be able to wash tiny pieces of cloth. He obviously doesn’t understand the math. My head hurts; I tell him it’s buzzing. He thinks it’s probably from the bomb he planted in my brain, if I ever stop being best friends with him,
He digresses. He likes crazy girls in bed. I reminded him, that they can bite of wieners too. He feels sick. He thinks America’s next top model is high drama at a brothel. He also asked me if I take sex as a pay back for the money he owes me.
I remembered why he was my friend. I lost a bet. A small part of him was manufactured at the RETARD factory. I told him of my brush in with a common friend who grabbed my ass at a club recently. He threatened to break his hands, but then remember the said person was gay. So he decided to spare him, he asked “If I break xxxxx hands, how will he sew?”
I needed to get back to work. He ended it with telling me his most urgent wish. He wanted a course on unintelligent design. So he could pay a wasted guy to design the universe and explain flightless birds.