Constant

“A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes or designer clothes. A water-log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he’ll give you his.”

–          Marley and Me.

The last year has been tough and fruitful. Losses and gain, laughter and tears all packed into one. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am and today I feel great. I have people who love me, friends who keep me grounded and most of all a dog.

My mother visited in August and I miss her dearly since then. I think as we grow older we learn to value the people who ‘wag’ their fingers at us and tell us the right thing to do. We learn to love them, love that they stood by us through all our mistakes and accepted us for who they are. You will find unconditional love nowhere else. My mother and I have shared our times of being terrible to each other and even pondering on why we were born, well me, more so than her.  It’s taken me 23 years to realise the truth in her statement ‘Anything we do, we do for your good.’ I know now that they years of being punished and grounded allows me to not abuse the freedom I now have, it allows me to be grateful for all the small things and also the guy who created Skype. It hurts me when she hurts, it saddens me when she is upset. I wish I could become an overnight millionaire simply so she wouldn’t have to work. The two weeks she spent here were almost magical, we laughed tons. We cried little, we caught up and we loved more.

My sister was her for Christmas. I was dreading December for a long time as more than any other fear, loneliness is the greatest to me.  But sister rescued me. The last thing I thought she was capable of, and she’s capable of being evil. She might tell you otherwise.  Dont believe the onion story. When she came, she brought Christmas cheer with her, although all she wanted to do was shop, I grew to love her, I grew to understand. We didn’t fight even once in two weeks! Ordinarily I’d blame her for my hair loss but this trip there was nothing of the sort. We laughed tons, we cried little, we caught up and we loved more.

Most of you know that I’m n a relationship. My best one by far, up until this one, I never really ‘loved or was in love.’ This boy changed the meaning of ‘being in love’ and ‘being in a relationship’ for me. Usually one large argument would lead to a break-up or one super disagreement would have me rushing out of the door to get as far away as possible. This new (It’s been a little over a year, now.) relationship has relieved me from being commitment phobic and actually planning a future. He makes me smile; he makes me want to be in love. He makes me a better person, he makes me. God knows we have fought (we’re fighting while I type this) and there have been numerous times I’ve wanted to kick him in the pants and be done with it, but I know this is right for me, this is where I want to be. We laughed tons, we cried little, we caught up and we loved more.

They all came and they all left. And I was alone. Loneliness hurts, it gnaws at the very core of your being. It frightens me.

The only constant has been Nemo. God knows I love that dog. I’ve washed her coat with my tears, talked to her incessantly about my problems and loved her endlessly. She can behave badly by not pooping in the right places but she knows like my mother and sister, she has my unconditional love. I left her for 5 days and all I could think of last night as my flight landed at 11pm was to go and get her and hug her till she felt smothered. But I couldn’t and this morning when I picked her up, my love for her was renewed. She is my special one, my only.

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10 thoughts on “Constant

  1. What a beautiful post. Felt like weeping, saddened that I’m alone. But also this brought back hope that the right one is around. Very touching. 🙂

  2. Lovely thoughts for the new year without any snark to be seen. I think taking stock of where we are and who is important is done way too little. I know things like that are only snapshots and rocky periods might still await but to me life is just a series of snapshots so might as well take a few and tape them to the refrigerator.

  3. Pingback: Thank you. Each of you. « Adventures of a polka dot

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