So, i tried to write how i feel right now and i cant bring myself to express the immense sadness i feel. It’s a thousand emotions in a bag of darkness. A darkness i cant see out off. It breaks, it makes me cry, it makes me feel uncared for. I’m nauseous, and anxious. I can’t wait for time to take this pain away.
I’ve written about love and how being in love is magical. But the truth of the matter is that you’ve never really experienced love until you’ve experience heartbreak. I’ve been dating since i was 13, 13 years later and 5 serious relationships old, i know what heartbreak is. Honestly, heartbreak doesnt always mean an ended relationship. Sometimes you stay. All hope is completely gone forever. I am cut off from light and humanity and God and love and life and completely, hopelessly agonizingly alone.
For a while I will be completely poisonous to just about any man I meet and it will show. Some days will be better than others, but I pretty much torture myself over this, constantly. Eventually, I will realize how unhealthy this was for me and will learn to forgive. Not forget.
I’m switch between emotions by the second, i feel cold and lonely, like my heart and soul have been ripped out. I feel empty and questioning. Why did this happen? Where did I go wrong? What do i do next? Every song is a memory. Everything around me is a memory. All I want to do is cry. I want to go back but i know i am left with the memories of what happened and everyday i fear that it will happen again. here is a universe of suffering. Like trying to walk on broken bones. LIke trying to inhale needles. Like trying to struggle out of quicksand. Paranoia. Destruction.
I want to paint my pain, break dishes, break skulls. I want to blow bubbles, i want to blow away my pain. I have anger and hatred. But these thoughts arent mine. They never were. It literally feels like i am physically dying. 2012 is here. I dont want someone new. The only colours that exist to me are grey, black and a dark shade of blue.
For those of you searching the web for a healing process, trust me when i say you wont find one. The “clinical” will advise you to dive into a deep period of self-evaluation and improvement. The “bitter” will try and fire you up with general hatred for the opposite sex and the “optimists” will always tell you, “don’t worry–Mr. Right is still out there.” However, when the pain of a broken heart is ravaging your body any words of wisdom seem more like trying to talk a virus out of creating an infection. Just like there is no magical drug that can cure a virus, you have no other choice but to let your broken heart just run its course.
There is a hole where my heart used to be. I walk around in the daytime and fall at night. I take refuge that even though my heart is broken, it works. But in truth, it isnt heartbreak. It’s more like body break. I felt my entire being shatter into a million pieces. I hate daylight because it means that another day has arrived and i feel this pain all over again. My head, my heart, my being is in turmoil. It’s like walking on coals and breathing in ash and I can’t see through the smoke. succumbing to the flames.
No self-doubt. No self-censorship. No self-pity.