Why i tweet and feel the way i do.

I’m hurting. I truly am and I can’t stop thinking a million things. This year hasn’t even begun and I already want to fast forward. I want to be better; I want to get over my self-pity and depression.

It’s not a nice place to be in. People only care about you if they are in front of you and although I’m not judgmental, I can see through most people. I am judgmental. Especially if you have a shitty reputation.

I’m angry at so many things, I’m sad at so many things. I hate falling asleep but I hate waking up more than that. I want my happiness back, I want to forget. I want to move on.

My eyes are permanently red. Moist. I can’t stop crying, I’m such a mess. There are a multitude of things happening and I just want to let EVERYTHING go, I want to give up. I want to be strong.

I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong and what do I do to make it better. I have no friends. No friends who’d rush to my side, you’d make sure I was okay. I have passing friends and acquaintances. And I’m okay with that.

I moved here a few years ago which meant not being in the initial circle of anyone. They had their own lives, their first choices. I am a loner so it isn’t that big a deal but when life gets hard and you really really feel alone and have no distractions, it gets scary.

At some point, ill get out of this low or I might not. Either way I am ruined. Ruined.

I’m not religious but I believe in God and have faith. I know He tests only the strong because He knows we can pull through it. But I’m just about done, Lord. I’m tired of fighting for what I believe in, fighting for what’s right.

Because at the end of the day, I feel like I’m the only one fighting. Fighting a losing battle, because no one’s fighting for me. Fighting for what I believe in. I suppose I can’t expect people to fight.

I’ve been there for so many people, to listen, to advice, to offer a quiet shoulder, a job, help, just being there and I feel deserted in my time of need. Life is funny. Life is mean. Life is tiring.

There is no hell or heaven once you die, this is it. This is your hell or heaven.

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10 thoughts on “Why i tweet and feel the way i do.

  1. we’re all born to be fighters, from our first cry to our last breath. but in between the fights, there are moments that make it all worth it. think about the year gone by. it wasn’t perfect, but then again, nobody else’s was, is or will be. but what matters is that things happened that made you smile, laugh, forget about the past, dream about the future. and they will happen again.

    think back. did you ever feel this terrible before? the worst of your past may not feel as depressing as your present, but how bad did it feel back then? life is full of ups and downs. like a rollercoaster, you’ll never know how low it will go or how high it will take you. and it doesn’t matter either. what matters is that the end of the ride, you will look back and feel that it was all worth it. and you can’t say that it’s over until feel with all your heart that it was worth it.

    i’ve given up on things i can say. i think your inner voice speaks to you louder than any of us ever will.

    may god bless you!

  2. I hate advice. Makes my skin crawl. Far too stubborn for it. I doubt anyone understands what might be going on in my head anyway. So I give none to you. This is negative advice..it sucks other advice to never be seen again.

    There’s a tomorrow and one after that and after that and after that. Some day I’ll run out but they wont. Odd to think of it.

  3. Ok.
    I am not going to give any Advice.
    Only.
    LOTS and LOTS of HUGS. (Only if you accept them :).. 😛 )
    Do I see a smile? …. umm ( I suck at this… :P)

    Everything’s gonna be fine…

    And your a very strong person and we all adore you. 🙂
    So take care.
    All it takes is a smile. 🙂

  4. I don’t know where this has come from, so I won’t be presumptuous to offer advise. But do share, if its not too much to ask. Might resonate with people out there who go through the same things. Someone out there might end up feeling not lonely.

  5. Saw you on Jaclyn’s blog and thought I would check out your own. You are far from ruined. I will abreviate my story not knowing yours. My wife of 12 years cheated on me. I left, not wanting to be that angry in front of my two boys. She said, since I left, I want a divorce. I had always planned to go back. Since then, the married man she cheated on me with lives in that house, with my ex and my boys, and she is due in less than a month. I left everything behind except my clothes and a car and all the money I make goes towards child support. It has been tough. But, I am still me. And I always hope. Every breath holds an opportunity to change. Am I hurt, and damaged, and scarred. Hell yes. My own writing attests to that. But we all have our own unique and precious lives that are truly a gift that no one can take away. It is just how we choose to live it. I know you consider Jaclyn a friend and I would be honored to be in your corner as well. Until next time…

  6. Your faith in God, will keep you strong.

    Hugs… that’s all I can offer.

    You know what you have to do. You know YOU are the one who will find the way out, no one else will do it for you.

    You are a strong woman, that’s what I can see. That’s what I saw when I met you for the first time 🙂

    Much Love. My prayers are with you.

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