I’m hurting. I truly am and I can’t stop thinking a million things. This year hasn’t even begun and I already want to fast forward. I want to be better; I want to get over my self-pity and depression.
It’s not a nice place to be in. People only care about you if they are in front of you and although I’m not judgmental, I can see through most people. I am judgmental. Especially if you have a shitty reputation.
I’m angry at so many things, I’m sad at so many things. I hate falling asleep but I hate waking up more than that. I want my happiness back, I want to forget. I want to move on.
My eyes are permanently red. Moist. I can’t stop crying, I’m such a mess. There are a multitude of things happening and I just want to let EVERYTHING go, I want to give up. I want to be strong.
I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong and what do I do to make it better. I have no friends. No friends who’d rush to my side, you’d make sure I was okay. I have passing friends and acquaintances. And I’m okay with that.
I moved here a few years ago which meant not being in the initial circle of anyone. They had their own lives, their first choices. I am a loner so it isn’t that big a deal but when life gets hard and you really really feel alone and have no distractions, it gets scary.
At some point, ill get out of this low or I might not. Either way I am ruined. Ruined.
I’m not religious but I believe in God and have faith. I know He tests only the strong because He knows we can pull through it. But I’m just about done, Lord. I’m tired of fighting for what I believe in, fighting for what’s right.
Because at the end of the day, I feel like I’m the only one fighting. Fighting a losing battle, because no one’s fighting for me. Fighting for what I believe in. I suppose I can’t expect people to fight.
I’ve been there for so many people, to listen, to advice, to offer a quiet shoulder, a job, help, just being there and I feel deserted in my time of need. Life is funny. Life is mean. Life is tiring.
There is no hell or heaven once you die, this is it. This is your hell or heaven.