Whatever has happened recently has been a huge HUGE blow to my self-esteem. It has made me feel small, worthless and not deserving or good enough. I beat myself up everyday over the fact that my life was ruined and i wouldn’t be a good enough girlfriend, daughter or friend.
Although the trouble started earlier this week, i feel like a year is already over and am ready for the world to end. I went out and let myself go the last few nights and I’ve realized there was so much of me that i lost when i tried to be ‘perfect’ for someone else.
In the last two days, I’ve learned a lot.
I’ve learned that i am capable of love and being loved. I have so much love to give whether to a partner, a friend or even an animal. I love unconditionally. I love without much judgment. If i suspect, i clear it out. And i continue to love. I confront and then i love again. I cant love someone who won’t ‘let’ me love them and if they make me feel terrible about ALL the love i give them, i CAN move on. I’m learning to love myself a little more everyday.
I’ve learned that in spite of my insecurities that i am desirable. That I’m still capable of being charming through my hurt. Unbelievable as it is, with all my whining and feeling depressed in the last few days, a boy (i know you’re reading this) came forward, bravely, and said he COULD take care of me. He said if no one could see how ‘wonderful’ i am, if I couldn’t see it myself, that he would show it to me. That, is love. That, is care. I couldn’t ask for more. While i declined, i know he’s made a friend in me. For a lifetime. To you, eternal love is just the beginning.
I’ve learned that animals are all the positive energy you need. I’ve been down, I’ve been almost suicidal, I’ve been in the dark. Nemo (my 4 year old pup, who thinks shes 100) has followed me around, slept near me making sure her body touches mine. She follows me to the bathroom, even and sits outside till I’m done. If i take too long, she scratches the door frantically until i let her know I’m still in there. That, is love. In its purest form.
I’ve learned that it is okay to make mistakes, it is okay to whine and most importantly, it is okay to cry. No matter what anyone says about crying, it’s therapeutic. It clears your eyes and more importantly it cleans your soul. So, the next time you feel like crying and let it all out: CRY. Know that crying isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign that you are in tune with your feelings and that you know you are man/woman/adult enough to confront them.
I’ve learned to trust my intuition. I can tell when someone is lying to me. Even if they’ve told me they wouldn’t lie anymore or promise to never do something in particular again, i know that they’ve lied after that. I’ve learned to let go because i know it will come back some day to hurt them and when that time comes, they will know where they went wrong. And they will feel sorry. I’ve learned to love them anyway.
I’ve learned that i can do anything i set my mind to, I’ve learned that it is okay for me to love someone even if they don’t love me back. I’ve learned patience, that the right person will come along. I’ve also learned that it is fine if i am alone, because if i love myself and I’m in tune with my inner being and that’s all that really matters. Everything else will fall on place on its own. Love.
I’ve learned that when the whole world walks out on you, you will ALWAYS have your parents, God and those who really care about you. It’s during the tough times you realize who your real friends are. It’s also during the tough times you realize that strangers aren’t bad either. Many people will encourage you, will motivate you and sometimes, someone unfamiliar giving you hope is just what you need. It also reinforces that there really IS love left over in the world.
So the next time, you’re down and out and feel like the world is ending, CRY. Cry for as long as you want but through your tears remember that the world doesn’t judge you, that you have a calling and that there is a purpose for everything. There is place for everyone this planet. Sometimes it’s difficult to see the good but you will eventually. Eventually. No matter the storm or destruction, the sun ALWAYS comes out at some point.
Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Just Love.
All my love.