I’d give you more time if I knew what pleased you. I’d like to be friends but yet there’s this fear of too much. A real shame that was, because he knew she was always around. Bigger than his thoughts.
A life of loneliness enforced on self. She hated herself, yet loved it too much because of no strings. But yet, there were a few that held. He watched, he fell in love everyday, he kept silent, she was a goddess to him and she never knew. Hilarious. The Gods knew how to joke.
She needed love. Not a barter. There were hugs, warm ones she would hold on to for just a little longer. Never lasted. She stopped seeking. She was loved, there were poems, songs and letters written to her every single minute, yet unsent. She brought men to their knees.
Where would she go but into herself. It was only she who could lift her spirits, and free her soul. She threw the past away, again. There’s never another person who can promise you that they’ll love you enough; like the person you really want to love you.
Death laughed. He enjoyed her vivacity and joy. But it was not time. She had a long, happy life to live, just as soon as she caught herself. The joy in her voice wrought pleasure, and pain and joy he could not describe. She was so high above, it didn’t make sense why she’d want to say hello.
She loved someone else. He realized. She didn’t know he existed.
He tried reaching out, touching her mind, he just felt he had no sense of propriety. He was ashamed, her circle didn’t consist of him, and yet he was part of some inner circle and the roaming crowd. He didn’t know what he saw in her. She never let him too close. He was relieved yet a little disappointed. Perhaps, he was just curious and wanted to be her pet.
He didn’t want anything from her. Just to know that he was accepted. And that he could help her be who she really wanted to be. He saw so much potential, and life. He wished he could scream it into her face. He loved her more than a friend. But she’d never understand love like that.
He tried being crass, he tried being a gentleman, he tried being a fiend, he tried being a lover, he tried being himself. He told her he adored her, but she would never understand what he saw. She called him weird. He went back to his circle, the outer one, where he belonged. Waiting. Knowing that when she really found herself, she’d find him or forget him. He loved being a fly on the wall. Unswatted.
He held her close, against a wall, he breathed warmly on her neck, he whispered her name into her ear, he asked her to want him, to need him and know that they could never be together. She smiled.
He wasn’t giving up anything for her, she would never do that for him a stranger, she left knowing she was loved, loved beyond what she could never fathom, yet she resisted the urge to grab him and slap him, bring him to his knees, he had brought her down on hers instead. She was left breathless by how much she realized.
He felt empty, as she left. Her lips grazing against his drained him of all the feeling he had left. He hoped she’d taken part of him as she sidled past with a smile. This was useless otherwise. They were lovers, but they never knew. She’d left her mark on him, indelible. The warmth they shared, their perfumes merged into one single breath. A quick exchange of a promise. A lie, for a lie.
She’d be alone, but never when he was around, she’d scream “Forever Alone” to the world, but she’d know she’d never be what she claimed. He watched, like a close hug, a warm sweater, a whisper away, an earworm lullaby. She slept fitfully. Everytime she went into a fit of depression, he’d forget his woes, to wish, hoping she’d get out of it. He was the shield she never wanted. They could never be friends, he felt too much. She was never that strong enough to get close.
It was never that she had a shield around, it was him. Her fears, her tears, could never be his, she’d never let them be anyone else’s, but hers. Selfish as she was, she was right to do so, but the night was their’s, they nestled in each others dreams, laughing over never ending cups of coffee, looking at the world pass by in one dream, making love in another, chasing each other playfully in yet another.
He built her a castle of dreams, a world of imagination, where she was queen, searching for an unseen king. He loved her with everything he had, and yet, he stayed out of that kingdom, preferring to watch from afar. She was protected, she was happy, she heard his comforting voice when she was alone. She could reach out to him when she wanted, his baritone filling her emptiness with warmth, kindness and tender love.
She was empty, yet satisfied, she didn’t have her ending, but she settled. She knew who she was, she knew she was loved, she knew she loved herself. Happiness was hers. She lived. There were no endings, only the beginning of another day. She looked forward to waking up to the sun’s rays.
If they only knew what I see, if you only knew what I see in you.
Her listless face lurked in the shadows, hiding the tears and scars he had left behind. She didnt cry for him. She didnt know him. Saddened by their harmony, the voices in her head knew it was time for her to go. For her to let go. She let go.
He wanted her, yet he couldnt have her. not because he was already committed but because she didnt know he existed. She didnt care for anybody, she knew no one could love er. Or keep up with her. She knew she was alone and she smiled.
She knew that anyone man she had ever been with had wanted to use her. He didnt love her and he certainly didnt find her attractive. Meat. She wore a mask. The world thought she was special. She felt worthless. It was only a matter of time before she ran away from it all. She was empty. She could run. But there was no destiny. She hated herself. Despised even. She just wanted to hear those words. She was tired of the people around her putting her in the limelight. They didnt know her. She was selfish. She wanted death to be only hers.
She lay there yearning. She didnt know what for. Solitude perhaps. All she felt right now was loneliness. Could he hear her? She reached out and put her hand to her face. The lone left scar reminded her of her past, of the abuse she received. She had no remorse. How could anyone love her? Why would anyone love her? She was no one.
She was talked about, she knew that much. They knew she was easy. She was their escape but never their keep. She wanted to be kept. Did she intimidate them? Were they afraid of her? Didnt they see the need in her eyes, in her voice? She sang to them, everyday. She loved the earth. The mud between her toes, the waves washing up against her skin. She thought of him. He didnt know she existed.
She watched him from a distance. Sometimes following his movement. She hid behind her veil of strength. She wasnt sure what she felt. She saw him walk towards her. She wondered who stood behind her. Who was his eyes searching for? She wanted to reach out but stopped.
She walked away with some sort of feeling that day. Had he really seen her? He was with someone. She felt stupid. She closed her eyes. She dreamed that night of him. She saw him pick her up off the ground. How did she let that happen? She didnt want to see him again. She locked herself indoors. She cut the world away from her. She didnt deserve anything.
She hated how he made her feel for that minute. That hour. That night. She held her heart and squeezed it dry of any emotion. She didnt want to keep him hoping for something that wasnt there. She knew her worth. It was nothing. He deserved better. He scared her. She’d been here before. His perfume seemed familiar. She liked the control he had over her in that moment. She pushed him away. Far away.
She strolled. Her first ever, she never strolled. Her gait spoke of fun. She wasnt convinced but this was her moment. She let it crawl. She realized. How unknowingly she played. She played him out just like she had played the rest. She felt peaceful. Would he figure it out? When they touched, did he feel the how hollow and cold she was? He didnt. How could he? he’d never know how alone she was meant to be. He couldnt mess with destiny. She lived that night. With him.
It was only time that would show her who to pry on next. He was forgotten. Mostly because she didnt want to know the ending. She was too immersed in his aura. She feared for her dormant heart. She didnt want to know how this ended.
Her thoughts are fueled by his. Her action, her own. Her life is chaos. But tonight belongs to him.
~ co-authored with the delicious @nelsonnium