I’ve been in relations. SO.MANY.RELATIONSHIPS. I’ve gone through break-ups. SO.MANY.BREAK-UPS.
And yes, I’ve been through that phase of feeling like my world was ending and that I’d never ‘love’ again. I’ve cried for weeks and stalked them to see if they were just as miserable as I was. I think my last relationship was the best one yet, I’ll tell you why in a bit. Break-ups are tough.
I think I liked relationships mostly because there was someone to come ‘home’ to. Or that I didn’t have to clean the house on my own. Or go shopping alone. Or I’d have a guinea pig to test out first-time-recipes. None of them died, so shut up, I can cook.
Relationships give you that space to be comfortable. To walk around in next to nothing because, well, that other person has already seen you naked (I’m assuming it’s 2012 and you guys have evolved). Relationships allow you to go weeks without shaving (men and women), without getting that hair cut, relationships allow you to be lazy. They allow you to stop trying to impress.
Relationships allow you to fart in bed and then giggle ridiculously, they allow you to have someone to talk to when work, parents, friends, and terrible traffic, cigarettes prices affect you and you need to let it out. Relationships allow you to expect at least one present this Christmas, Diwali, Hanukkah , Valentines, Birthday, neighbours got a new huge-ass TV or simply-because days. Relationships allow you to laugh at silly things, like him going out to buy you a gift for Diwali when you’re Catholic and agreeing that a huge foozball table was a great idea. (Yeah that happened) Relationships allow you to have that one person you can turn to when you need to cry because you’re too goddamn ugly to be seen crying in public.
I cherish all of that. I assure you I do.
And my last relationship was no better. HIS.FARTS.WERE.TERRIBLE. But when it ended, all I could think of was the good times. He was funny and kind and caring, he probably still is but I don’t really care. He was good to me and now he’s not around anymore. And just like most break-ups I tried to get over it but what I discovered this time around changed my life. Forever.
I am incapable of romantic love. Giving it or receiving it. I’ve been brought up with the lesson that love is unconditional and that you fiercely love and protect what you love. Romantic love can NEVER be unconditional. Full stop (Period is gross).
But a girl has needs and for as long as she’s a girl, she’ll get them satisfied. If you know what I mean. But don’t fret for unconditional love doesn’t go to waste, I have friends, dogs, cats, animals, trees, flowers and words that have my unconditional love.
So what I’m trying to get at, I can’t love you because I only know how to love unconditionally and I’ve loved too many to know that many aren’t worth that unconditional love. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll get involved, I’ll care for you, like no one has ever cared for you and I’ll do it because I believe in kindness and humanity and NOT because I love you.