I’ve been ‘fat’ for at least 70% of my life. And no one has ever asked me why… just threw the fact that I was big out there to my face. Because clearly, more fat means less feelings or emotions, right? Being 5’5 hasn’t worked to my advantage either, eat a cupcake and it goes straight to the hips. A moment on the lips, forever on the hips right?
And no amount of will power could convince me that the ugly grotesque thing I called a body would ever be good enough. Because for as long as I am fat, I am ugly. And it’s mostly because people make that way.
“Oh, he thinks you’re too fat to date right now”
“Haha, you can’t pull off those shorts, what will people think if they saw your whale thighs?”
“Mich, I’d like you to meet my mum because I love you but I don’t want her to see you this way, lose a few?”
There is no cure for my ugly.
And every time I dress up for a night out, I watch you dress me down with your eyes.
“Who is watching? What are they thinking? Will I hear them make fun of me, this time?”
“Dear god, it’s raining. My clothes will stick to my lumps; I’ll hear what they say. But it won’t matter because the rain will coalesce with my tears and it’ll kiss my face and melt down into my grime”
Conditioning myself to behave ‘fat’ is tough. I’m not lazy or a slob or irresponsible either, I want to lose weight, I want to get down to being called ugly just because I’m unattractive and NOT because I’m fat. I have enough will power to get to a gym everyday but I don’t have the money for it. I don’t have the will power to work out at home because I have a job that ensures I work 12-16 hours a day and by the time I get home, I’m unbelievably tired.
As this eats away at me, I starve. But it isn’t my eating habits, they’ve changed, I eat less. Maybe my body hates me. Maybe I’ll always be like this. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Fuck it.
But then I found comfort in humour. I might as well get to it before you do. I’d rather you laugh at me because I was funny rather than because my tits looked great and you wanted to sleep with me. I know when you laugh or say something; I’m unattractive enough for you to be genuine with me.
But I’ve realized it makes me a better person. Because ill always have the ability to make light of a situation. Regardless of you. Yes, you. I don’t hate on being attractive because which girl wouldn’t want that.
But in my grime and intelligent brain and quick quip mentality, Ive realized that most slutty women are thin and over powdered, so ironically, being this way keeps me grounded. (And if that works for you, men, please form an orderly queue to my right. Thanks)