When I was 16 I stood as straight as I could

She sat at her desk drumming words onto the table 

She couldn’t put it to paper she wasn’t able 

Her story was dark and her body was bruised 
 
How could she let go she was already used 
 
When I was 16 I stood as straight as I could 
Because he said I should if I loved him 
And I did as his hand swiftly fell across my face
 And it stung like a bee on my hand that lay dying as his sting seeped into my veins and rose to the burning in my cheeks And his knuckles pressed into my stomach like a bulldozer digging into the earth to lay a new foundation on illegal land 
 
When I was 16 I stood as straight as I could 
Because I knew if I didn’t he would do all he could 
To break my heart, my strength, my growth, 
my nose, my hands, my legs, my little left toe
 
I loved him with all my heart 
He loved me with all his strength that transcended into his fingers and onto my body 
He loved me all night and right upto dawn despite my face so bloody 
I traded my pride and dignity for dank car seats and bomb diggity’s 
I traded my nose and thighs for bruises and sighs 
I traded my family and friends for slaps and threats 
What did I know when I was 16 and I stood as straight as I could
 
Love is a gift a silly child a little high a little low a little swift a little slow 
A little wise a little show a little fun a little lame
 He was the hunter and I was his game 
When I was 16 and I stood as straight as I could 
 
You see I grew up in a neighbourhood that taught me to love Love like I’ve never been hurt before 
Work like you don’t need money 
Dance like no one is watching 
Sing like no one is listening 
Live like there is no tomorrow 
There was no tomorrow 
When I was 16 and stood as straight as I could 
 
This went on for years and also ears 
Hospital visits and interventions and broken bones later 
I was pulled away from love for a bit of time 
I was pulled away from a life of beatings and crime 
But I loved him and he loved me 
He hurt my knees and my back and my head and behind because he loved me
 
I wanted him back I wanted him now 
he loved me 
Always wanting him wanting more than being locked in 
Clothed in promiscuity and living on cheap pick up lines 
 
I went back and clothed ourselves in false hopes 
That he would get better than we will love harder 
That we will love truer 
That we will be newer 
But what did I know When I was 16 and stood as straight as I could 
 
For years I let him try to change and I could hear the voices in my head 
Say no over and over and over again 
But we didn’t speak the same language 
Every no was met with a blow 
Every stop meant a slam of the door 
Into my stomach onto my hand into my face 
Until my fingers could no longer trace 
 
Could no longer trace the innocence of my skin 
The purity of my soul, the contours of my cheeks 
The laugh from my belly, the dimple in my chin
Could no longer trace me 
 
And so he loved work more than me 
He loved dance more than me 
He loved music more than me 
He loved life more than me 
He loved her more than me 
I LOVED HIM MORE THAN ME 
 
When I was 16 and stood as straight as I could 
I didn’t believe I was beautiful 
Because from me that’s all he took 
Until I hit back and hit harder than I knew I could 
I ran as fast as my legs would 
 
Away from this monster away from his arms 
And into dark alley ways and suicidal barns 
For I was the daughter of Geb and Nut 
For I was as beautiful because I was made from gut 
 
15 years later I no longer allow 
Disrespect in relationships or fleeting ploughs 
Into my insecurities because really that’s not fair 
If you knew my past you would know you should 
Because I was once 16 and stood as straight as I could
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s