Why.

If I had the chance to tell you what you don’t mean to me, I wouldn’t do it.

Mostly because you mean so many good things to me.

I’d take the earth of its axis and put it into your hands

So your fingers could trace the contours of land and know what it feels like to be lost

I’d paint pictures of happiness on the palms of your hands

So even when you close your eyes to cry, you are reminded of good things

Because I have you etched in the palm of mine

If I had the chance to go back in time, I would trust in your friendship and not let you down

Because I let pillows cushion your fall but I didn’t need to bend your knees

I’d let your strength shine through my weakness into the depths of my understanding

And let your smile heal my heart

If I had the chance to change it all, I wouldn’t change a thing

Because in your thoughts and your heart and your happiness

I found friendship

A friendship I didn’t know existed, A friendship plagued with fear because

One wrong move could end it all, just like this knife at the corners of my wrists

Staying still as droplets of blood form patterns of hurt around the ringlets of regret

If I had the chance, I would do nothing differently because in my moment of weakness

You chose your moment of weakness

In my moment of insecurity and fear

You felt insecure

The bottom of this glass filled with regrets has but only one.

I should have told you but I didn’t

It didn’t need to hurt you but it did

Perhaps, I’ll never really know what went wrong but just like a broken relationship

Between a man and woman I am an outcast

Not a victim by any measure

 

For someday when you understand me, you will know the things I did

For someone who needed me to be wrong so that I could help them

For someone who didn’t have a treasure like you

Who didn’t know that laughter was this beautiful

That the incessant quiver from your belly in joy is because of deep rooted happiness

Between you and I

That the softest touch is delivered by the roughest palms

That the bluest skies are formed by the twinkle of your eye

That every time the world kicked her down, there was some one like you to pick them up

I picked her up

Placed her on the small of my back and arched her out into the world

And while she soaked in the sunshine, I hid in her shadow of lies and contempt

But I stand

 

And perhaps you’ll never understand it

Perhaps you’ll never know why

But right here in this moment

In this one… slow… hurtful… fearful moment,

I stand for you.

 

Maybe it’s me.

I woke up this morning and watched the sun rise through your eyes. I watched as the birds filled your eyes with melody and the earth moved from dark into light. I woke up this morning and watched the shadows move away from my face; I watched as your glow illuminated my heart and the voice is my head, depart.

But then afternoon came and we lay motionless, In a world conflicted with war and beauty, grace and ungratefulness. I told you of my dreams and wishes; my fears and my nightmares. I told you how much you meant to me and how we were alike and who I wanted to be.

As dusk approached and darkness covered your face, I sang you a song about love. The shadows crept into our hearts but your face dispelled them, I had never seen such peace until you. I clung to you for support, for warmth. You never let go.

As we fell asleep I watched the moonlight serenade your face. I watched the shadows from outside draw sheets of music on my walls. And the earth moved from dusk to night, as we fell asleep and the shadows dawned on your face; I knew your cold body would keep warm another night. Like it had done the night before and the night before that.

The knife intact. Maybe it’s me.

You can’t fix me

How do you erase a memory?

How do you erase a memory?

A memory of what you once you used to be.

Tears sting your eyes, make them burn

Leaving you is a lesson I’ll never learn.

Footsteps in my brain, knocks on my heart

Warmth on my skin, mist in the air

We were here once, now it’s just space

We laughed together once, now it’s just grace.

You’ll never know why

Why I cry, Why I do the things I do, Why I lie.

You’ll never know why

Why I left you or pushed you away

It’s been awhile, erased memories make me smile

Thoughts of you cloud my brain, a migraine

You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t know.

Lover, I’ll be home. In a little while, or never, no.

You’ll never know why

Why I cry, Why I do the things I do, Why I lie.

You’ll never know why

Why I left you or pushed you away

I told you there was another…

Not mine but your other

And all your lies, lies I dread

Out of my life, out of my head

You’ll never know why

Why I cry, Why I do the things I do, Why I lie.

You’ll never know why

Why I left you or pushed you away

The Void is gone

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t look at myself in the mirror,

a day that I don’t hate myself for the way I look

a day that I judge the choices I made

a day that I regret what I eat

a day that goes by that I wish I looked different

but then I stop and wonder and wonder and wonder

Wonder why I feel the way I do about things that can not be changed

For free.

Wonder why I don’t love what I should be loving

or proud of what I should be proud of

Why cant I see the ability I have to make you laugh

or cry

or the ability to make you miss me

or hate that you aren’t with me

You made me

You made me think about all the pretty women

and wonder why I wasn’t one of them

Why I picked up beauty magazines that made me feel ugly

while I stuffed the void in my face that would fill up my confidence

The void that I used to hide with self-degredation and hidden mutilation

The void that made me ashamed of my dark skin

or ashamed because I wasn’t perfect for you

But I am

I am perfectly fine

I am perfectly intelligent to the best of my abilities

Perfectly fortunate to now see the love, the joy, the happiness that life brings

because you are not here

Perfectly made for myself and not for anyone else

Perfectly comfortable in this imperfect skin

because it is the canvas on which my lessons are taught

The canvas on which I will tell my children stories

The canvas on which lies innocence which you took away from

The canvas I believed was ugly because you told me so

The canvas in which a new canvas entwined and wove new stories

He told me I was more beautiful than the sun

Brighter than anything he has ever seen

But I didn’t believe him

I didn’t need to

The void was gone.

I’m home.

Go away. No one is here.

 

I’m home.  I called it home the minute my little lab-beagle mix curled up on the floor cushions. I love familiar faces, familiar times, laughter, happy endings.

I’m home. In a house too big for Nemo and I as we sit here, curled up in my lazy chair, feet up, her paw making sure I don’t move.

I’m home. In a place that makes me smile every time I remember a moment from the past that I have shared with someone special or giggletons of laughter with friends.

I’m home. To darkness, to loneliness, to solitude, to hatred, to demons, to forever.

 

Learn

Photo Credit: weheartit.com

I don’t think I’ll ever stop learning. I don’t think I’ll ever lose my yearning for knowledge. Everyday, I want to learn something new and it need not be a skill.

Last evening, I learned compassion. From a stranger, while it rained.

A week ago I learned faith. In myself, in my abilities.

A month ago, I learned friendship. From a woman that isn’t a stereotype.

A year ago, I learned heartache from a man who is one of my closest friends today.

Photo Credit: weheartit.com

I believe that life will throw you curve balls that will make you lose balance. It will beat you and pamper you and fill you with emotions you didn’t think were possible. It will teach you to love and cry and laugh and despise and control and what death must feel like.

It will teach you to laugh through your tears and have courage through your fears.

It will teach you to live.

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It will teach you to live in disappointment and give your courage when you’re alone. It will teach you to grieve passed friendships and cherish new ones. It will teach you to find love in wireless places. It will teach you beauty. It will teach you that there’s joy and happiness and love and peace despite all the hate and unhappiness and corruption around you.

It will teach you to live.

Photo Credit: weheartit.com

It will teach you to drive through the negative. It will teach you how to succumb to the night and it will teach you to break. It will teach you what the bottom of the bottomless pit looks like and it will teach you how to get out of the abyss. It will teach you to be who you are.

It will teach you to live.