Delhi seemed like the ideal city, it had the food, it had the charisma and it had the boy I loved. Love. I was drifting away and I needed the move to feel closer. My biggest reason for moving was him. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not but I know everybody needs to do something crazy once in their lives for the one they love. This is my crazy.
Now when I think about it, I’m an idiot. There are a million other ways to show love and I chose the wrong one. I don’t understand why I am here and what it is I am meant to do. My life has lost direction, I have lost feeling.
I dislike waking every morning and changing into clothes and going out. It pains my heart. It doesn’t matter where I work or the job I do, what matters more to me is being happy wherever I am and this is certainly not the place.
In the past, new situations, new challenges used to excite me and make me want to be the best at whatever I did. Today, it’s the complete opposite; I don’t have the will for anything. Sometimes wasting my life away as a hobo seems more appealing. If this is what quarter life crisis feels like then I may die when I turn 50.
I’ve also been affected very personally by someone who has gone out of her way to be intentionally mean. It broke my heart; it destroyed my confidence and made me feel insignificant to this world. Sometimes happy people around me annoy me. Infectious laughter is like loud noises through a hangover.
I don’t want to meet new people, I don’t want to meet old people. I don’t want to look at the bright side of things, I don’t want to sit in my negativity. I don’t want to be lonely, I don’t want people in my face all the time.
Thankfully, someone said something extremely important to me last night and therein lies my hope.
” ON THE NEXT WAVE OUT “
Because I have to and not because I want to. This is the first major regret / mistake my lifetime has seen. Somehow, i’ll trudge on through. He got me to it, He’ll get me through it.
Until then, I’ll suck it up.