On the next wave out…

Delhi seemed like the ideal city, it had the food, it had the charisma and it had the boy I loved. Love. I was drifting away and I needed the move to feel closer. My biggest reason for moving was him. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not but I know everybody needs to do something crazy once in their lives for the one they love. This is my crazy.

Now when I think about it, I’m an idiot. There are a million other ways to show love and I chose the wrong one. I don’t understand why I am here and what it is I am meant to do. My life has lost direction, I have lost feeling.

I dislike waking every morning and changing into clothes and going out. It pains my heart. It doesn’t matter where I work or the job I do, what matters more to me is being happy wherever I am and this is certainly not the place.

In the past, new situations, new challenges used to excite me and make me want to be the best at whatever I did. Today, it’s the complete opposite; I don’t have the will for anything. Sometimes wasting my life away as a hobo seems more appealing. If this is what quarter life crisis feels like then I may die when I turn 50.

I’ve also been affected very personally by someone who has gone out of her way to be intentionally mean. It broke my heart; it destroyed my confidence and made me feel insignificant to this world. Sometimes happy people around me annoy me. Infectious laughter is like loud noises through a hangover.

I don’t want to meet new people, I don’t want to meet old people. I don’t want to look at the bright side of things, I don’t want to sit in my negativity. I don’t want to be lonely, I don’t want people in my face all the time.

Thankfully, someone said something extremely important to me last night and therein lies my hope.

” ON THE NEXT WAVE OUT “

On the Next Wave out... for sure.

Because I have to and not because I want to. This is the first major regret / mistake my lifetime has seen. Somehow, i’ll trudge on through. He got me to it, He’ll get me through it.

Until then, I’ll suck it up.

 

 

Don’t give up!

So, i started by writing another one of those ‘letters to a younger me‘ posts but realized that a lot of the emotions i was going through were shared by a lot of those in my situations. So i decided to write this post for EVERYONE.

So here goes…

Life has changed in so many ways. You’re stronger, more independent and your parents are proud of you (Don’t be shocked; parents are capable of the good emotions too. Although sometimes, you’ll feel otherwise.)

Life has been rough but you’ve pulled through before, why give up now. Why let people get the better of you. Not worth it. So not worth it. Also you’re being stupid.

Be passionate about what you want, but live a little. And when you start to live, don’t make it a full time thing – GET BACK TO WORK. Learn to balance. Everything you choose to do, do it because you want to and not because you want to please people. Learn to enjoy being around people. Make friends; don’t neglect the ones you have because of a new muse or new friends. Keep your closest, close. Because when everyone else walks out on you, the friends you’ve had forever, will still be there. Don’t hang out with people who are secretly mean. You know who they are. If you are worried that they aren’t really friends, it means that they aren’t. Hang out with those you feel comfortable with even if they aren’t cool or ‘normal’.

Write more. It will let you get rid of pent up emotions and allow you to sleep at night and not binge eat. Also, cold pizza is the hatesex of food. Remember that, you’ll thank me for it. Be proud of all you have achieved. It took years to build it but you got there. You are independent and you may even have a dog. Love Music.

You picked a city to live in, you picked the toughest city to learn. And you survived! While it nutures you and lets you be the person you are, be true to yourself. It will give you friends you wished you knew earlier and also friends you will wish you never ever meet again. Get out of that cocoon you are in, learn to love. Love the world. It’s better than you actually think it is.

While you will be applauded for standing strong for what you believe in, sometimes walking away makes you the bigger person. WALK. At times when you think you know everything, take a step back. YOU DON’T. Well, not always. But I will tell you that you CAN handle anything. And you will come out stronger, no matter what you think when you are at your lowest.

You will love your parents, no matter how angry you are at them. You most probably get angry with them because you are scared of being away from them. Confront your problems, they aren’t as horrid as you think they are. Don’t work all the time, don’t party all the time. Breathe.

If you can’t find love that’s probably because you haven’t started to learn to love yourself. Do that and eventually everything else will fall in to place. Trust me on this. 10 years from now, you’ll be surprised at the things you accomplish, not because they were impossible but because 10 years ago they didn’t seem important. Never pass an opportunity to be better.

Go out. As much as you can. Avoid ‘liking’, ‘poking’ or retweeting. Cut down on your  addiction reliance frequent visits to Facebook and Twitter.  Stop procrastinating and start being productive.

Most importantly, NEVER EVER FORGET where you came from and who you are. You are where you are because of them. No matter what you say, you will be alright. We’ve got one life to live it and we’ll live it the best we can.

Why i tweet and feel the way i do.

I’m hurting. I truly am and I can’t stop thinking a million things. This year hasn’t even begun and I already want to fast forward. I want to be better; I want to get over my self-pity and depression.

It’s not a nice place to be in. People only care about you if they are in front of you and although I’m not judgmental, I can see through most people. I am judgmental. Especially if you have a shitty reputation.

I’m angry at so many things, I’m sad at so many things. I hate falling asleep but I hate waking up more than that. I want my happiness back, I want to forget. I want to move on.

My eyes are permanently red. Moist. I can’t stop crying, I’m such a mess. There are a multitude of things happening and I just want to let EVERYTHING go, I want to give up. I want to be strong.

I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong and what do I do to make it better. I have no friends. No friends who’d rush to my side, you’d make sure I was okay. I have passing friends and acquaintances. And I’m okay with that.

I moved here a few years ago which meant not being in the initial circle of anyone. They had their own lives, their first choices. I am a loner so it isn’t that big a deal but when life gets hard and you really really feel alone and have no distractions, it gets scary.

At some point, ill get out of this low or I might not. Either way I am ruined. Ruined.

I’m not religious but I believe in God and have faith. I know He tests only the strong because He knows we can pull through it. But I’m just about done, Lord. I’m tired of fighting for what I believe in, fighting for what’s right.

Because at the end of the day, I feel like I’m the only one fighting. Fighting a losing battle, because no one’s fighting for me. Fighting for what I believe in. I suppose I can’t expect people to fight.

I’ve been there for so many people, to listen, to advice, to offer a quiet shoulder, a job, help, just being there and I feel deserted in my time of need. Life is funny. Life is mean. Life is tiring.

There is no hell or heaven once you die, this is it. This is your hell or heaven.

I hate being unemployed.

It’s 5.30pm as i type this. Ordinarily i would frantically be wrapping up my daily work routine. Typing off last minute emails, getting artwork in. It saddens me that as of 5.30pm this evening i am half way through. Half way through a bottle of vodka.

I dont want to go out. I dont want to see other ‘successful’ people go into restaurants or clubs dressed up in fine attire. All of them getting stuff ‘to-go’ because of their busy work schedules, while i sit there, bored out of my mind mulling my situation as i hide my depression behind a book.

I hate people paying for my lunches or dinners because they know how broke i am. They’ve tried in the past and i havent allowed them to, now i dont have a choice.

I hate moving around the city in the day time as i see so many stay at home moms and college students. I am neither. It’s unfortunate that have no money to spend and all the time in the world to spend it. It’s disgusting that my answer to everyone’s question on whether i am free is ‘Sure, anywhere, anytime.’

I hate that i want to kill anyone who says:

– you have your health (and youth as a bonus!)
– you have skills that will eventually translate into a new job
– you have people around you who love you

I hate being unemployed.

Oh heartbreak, how i hate you so.

So, i tried to write how i feel right now and i cant bring myself to express the immense sadness i feel. It’s a thousand emotions in a bag of darkness. A darkness i cant see out off. It breaks, it makes me cry, it makes me feel uncared for. I’m nauseous, and anxious. I can’t wait for time to take this pain away.

I’ve written about love and how being in love is magical. But the truth of the matter is that you’ve never really experienced love until you’ve experience heartbreak. I’ve been dating since i was 13, 13 years later and 5 serious relationships old, i know what heartbreak is. Honestly, heartbreak doesnt always mean an ended relationship. Sometimes you stay. All hope is completely gone forever. I am cut off from light and humanity and God and love and life and completely, hopelessly agonizingly alone.

For a while I will be completely poisonous to just about any man I meet and it will show. Some days will be better than others, but I pretty much torture myself over this, constantly. Eventually, I will realize how unhealthy this was for me and will learn to forgive. Not forget.

I’m switch between emotions by the second, i feel cold and lonely, like my heart and soul have been ripped out. I feel empty and questioning. Why did this happen? Where did I go wrong? What do i do next? Every song is a memory. Everything around me is a memory. All I want to do is cry. I want to go back but i know i am left with the memories of what happened and everyday i fear that it will happen again. here is a universe of suffering. Like trying to walk on broken bones. LIke trying to inhale needles. Like trying to struggle out of quicksand. Paranoia. Destruction.

I want to paint my pain, break dishes, break skulls. I want to blow bubbles, i want to blow away my pain. I have anger and hatred. But these thoughts arent mine. They never were. It literally feels like i am physically dying. 2012 is here. I dont want someone new. The only colours that exist to me are grey, black and a dark shade of blue.

For those of you searching the web for a healing process, trust me when i say you wont find one. The “clinical” will advise you to dive into a deep period of self-evaluation and improvement. The “bitter” will try and fire you up with general hatred for the opposite sex and the “optimists” will always tell you, “don’t worry–Mr. Right is still out there.” However, when the pain of a broken heart is ravaging your body any words of wisdom seem more like trying to talk a virus out of creating an infection. Just like there is no magical drug that can cure a virus, you have no other choice but to let your broken heart just run its course.

There is a hole where my heart used to be. I walk around in the daytime and fall at night. I take refuge that even though my heart is broken, it works. But in truth, it isnt heartbreak. It’s more like body break. I felt my entire being shatter into a million pieces. I hate daylight because it means that another day has arrived and i feel this pain all over again. My head, my heart, my being is in turmoil. It’s like walking on coals and breathing in ash and I can’t see through the smoke. succumbing to the flames.

No self-doubt. No self-censorship. No self-pity.

Conversing with a Genius

They say it takes a lot of courage to muster up the courage to talk to a genius. I’ll leave you to decide who is who here.

Also do visit this ‘genius’s’ blog. HERE.

(I love these conversations, sometimes when i’m sad or upset, i go back and read them and life doesnt seem that bad.)

Ashwin: poopy!’
Me: I need a job 😦
Ashwin: Me too
I want to go home
and I want to break free
Me: Freddie Mercury did that. But he was gay.
I think you can if you want to
Just believe in yourself.
Ashwin: sniff
boo hoo
sniff sniff
wah
If I was a baby I could just poop in my pants right now and people would find it adorable
instead I have to hold it in until it feels like my asshole is going to volcanically explode
everyone should be babies
Me: Or wear pampers and make it seem normal.
Ashwin: that’s just disgusting
I want to be a baby
Me: You can’t.
Ashwin: Why not?
I obviously have magic Benjamin Button powers
Me: What? Since when?
Ashwin: Since……….. BWEEEOOOOP now!
Me: I call your bluff!
Ashwin: I’m  7 years old right now
now I’m 4  years old
Me: How can you type? Also are you time travelling? I’d like some Michael Jackson molestation then, on your way back.
Ashwin: Benjamin Button did not time travl
He aged in reverse
I’m 1 year old right now btw
Me: Prove it.
Ashwin: goo goo daa daa
Me: die die die die
Ashwin: you want a 1 year old baby to die?
Me: Yes, please
Ashwin: that’s so incredibly cruel
I’m calling the cops
your ass is going to jail!
I can’t figure this chick out
Me: Which one? The cop chick?
Jail chick?
Chick chick?
Ashwin: chick chick
Me: Where?
Ashwin: *Where do you think?*
Me: pajama wali?
Ashwin: yes
poop
Me: nooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Ashwin: do I post anything now or just wait
Me: What was her last post?
Ashwin: essetially *hey, what’s up, hows it going*
Me: Aww. I say you call her up and propose sex.
Ashwin: “Hey, let’s fuck.” like that?
or should I just call and breathe heavily and then she’ll get the message?
Me: The 2nd option. Sexier.
Ashwin: Also doesn’t at all make me come off as a potential rapist
Me: No, definitely not. I mean if she thinks that way of you, then this isnt the one for you. Small minded and all that.
Ashwin: you’re right
every woman I date has to love rape or how will she get used to what I will eventually do to any pets she has?
Me: Or her, for that matter.
Ashwin: or to her BUTT!!! AMIRITE?!?!?!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HI-FIVE!!!
Me: Loser.
Ashwin: 😥
Me: CRY!
CRY YOU BITCH CRY!
Ashwin: MAKE MY FRIEND A SAMMICH!!
😥
Me: NO
Ashwin: make it out of dog poop
Me: YES
Ashwin: SAMMICH!
Me: NO
Ashwin: where’s my sandwich?
Me: In my dog’s ass. Should be done in a couple of hours.