Why am I dressed like a slut? Why are you thinking like a rapist?

Baggy Jeans and an old smelly sweatshirt, my toe sticking out of a hole in my pink panther socks, I reluctantly ventured out at 7pm to pick up a friend from the main road across the residential compound where I lived. Laughing to myself ridiculously as I put the pepper spray into my pocket, ‘why do I even need to carry it?’ I thought, there were guards at every corner of this compound.

Just having given Nemo a shower, I smelled and looked like a dog. My hair ruffled and my clothes covered in fur, I was basically as attractive as a homeless man with missing front teeth. The path I usually take was currently in chaos with strays chasing people. With dog perfume on myself and not in the mood to run, I took a diversion through the clubhouse, onto a 20 metre road with very little lighting.

Little did I know that that would be enough.  From the darkness, two men appeared. One immobilized me by pushing me into a wall, while the other held me firmly by my wrists. Man number 1 had his hands up my sweatshirt, letting his hands roughly explore my chest as if looking for hidden treasure. I blanked out; it was actually like I was watching myself from afar, out of body, if you will, while the other man began to lick my neck. The wet stickiness brought me back to my senses; I kicked, screamed and punched as much as my restricted body would allow me. What I felt next was indescribable as they sunk their teeth into my flesh, piercing it and making me wince. I kicked again, this time I got man number one right in the nuts, and he fell to the ground. Man number two holding my wrists slapped me really hard, twice. I found the strength in me to escape as he loosened his grasp, yanking my pepper spray out of my pocket I aimed it in their direction and ran the opposite way.

I did not ask for it. NO ONE ASKS FOR IT.

If you think women ask for it because of the way they’re dressed, tell that to a woman clad in a burqa or a 9 year old child who doesn’t even know what intimacy is.

I want to be able to walk on the road without an apology. As unbelievable as it may sound to some of you, no woman on this planet, dresses for the occasion of rape. So when Slut Walk decided to; or rather a young 19 year old felt that India too needed a Slut Walk, she was supported by the millions. She was also opposed by the millions.

What I don’t understand is this nation, so rich in heritage and culture is the 4th most dangerous country for a woman, that’s nothing to be proud of. Our history, our scenic landscapes and our attractions of today are shrouded with foreigners afraid to visit because of how unsafe it is.

This movement isn’t just for women, it is for the men too, who are harassed and abused and physically manhandled against their will. No means No.

When did ‘NO’ ever mean anything else?

It angered me to read comments, posts and tweets from individuals who thought that this was a sham, publicity stunt etc. Yes, it is a publicity stunt, our government needs to wake up and protect its women and men from people who think power in sexuality is good.

 

 

 

*Edit: The screenshots above are used to raise awareness and not meant to be an attack against them or anything. If any of you think I have wrongly added or posted it here, show / tell me differently prior to posting this and I’ll make the required changes.  Also these are just examples, there are a million more with similar views.

There are a few whom I respected and thought were educated enough to at least hold their thoughts to a cause essential for the women in their lives. For their mothers, their sisters, their wives, their children, their friends.

Somehow we need to educate ourselves more than we need to pick the flaws in this cause. We need to move beyond the name and support its message. Nothing will change overnight, nothing will bring miracles the next morning, but slow and steady wins the race.

Don’t be ignorant, this is as much your country as it is everybody else’s. Educate yourself, read more and then draw conclusions. More importantly, this ISN’T about woman calling themselves sluts, this isnt about an opportunity to go out there and flaunt, this is about equality. If i don’t look at you (no matter how you’re dressed) with impure thoughts, what gives you the right to do the same?

As Phyrodite puts it so eloquently:

“Ever since I marched in a Slut Walk, I have tried to steel myself against some of the criticism thrown its way. It’s hard. Especially when some of the arguments trivialise and ridicule a movement that a number of women and men – both battered by sexual assault and untouched by it have come to believe in.

Slut Walk may be a relevant cause with a misguided name, it may be a cause that resonates with a lot of women, it may be a cause that digs up painful memories for a startling number of men or it may be a cause the ‘elite women and men’ can afford to fight, but it is a cause that has sprung from a fear that is old and crimes that are as old. 

Nobody deserves to be raped, nobody deserves to spend their life fearing for their body’s safety and nobody deserves to be shamed for expressing their sexuality or even enjoying it. I didn’t march for the right to be called a slut – god knows, nobody is marching for that. It’s more than the name. “

Here are a few more thoughts you can read to know more:

Of Boobquakes and SlutWalks

Of Sluts and their Walks

If we discussed men the same way we talked about women

Twitter reacts to SlutWalk Delhi

Also hear it directly from the mouth of a man: Male Perspective

Therefore, before you make a fool of yourself and blame our ‘culture’ know that we have the power to change it, even if it is just one day at a time.

No one has the right to rape or abuse anybody, including sluts.

Day 18 – Stop Whining!

We all love to complain! I mean why stand up for take responsibility when we can blame and complain and feel better about ourselves, right? WRONG!

So, today’s challenge is pretty interesting. I disagree with most of what the challenge has to say and a bit of the passage as well, i don’t think the Lord will ‘punish’ you for complaining or grumbling. He is too merciful and forgiving for that. I know that always complaining and grumbling will make you go away and will not bring you closer to go. Instead we should thank Him for our blessings and let Him take on our short-comings and problems.

Like the passage says in the end, God doesnt give you problems you can’t handle and even when He does, He gives you a way out of it as well. Stop the grumbling long enough to see that way.

Most importantly, if He put you to it, He will pull you through it.

Day 18

1 Corinthians 10: 1-13

Happy Weekend!

<3M.

Truth be told…

So over the last week i’ve had a few revelations, delayed, but revelations none the less… I tweeted them out, just when i though about them, so i’m going to reproduce them here.

The saddest thing in live is when you fail to be creative. Or breathe.

I make no apologies for being as outspoken as i am. I make no apologies for being as emotional as i am.

I’d rather die with a light heart than a heart full of regrets and bottled-up emotions.

I’d rather let you know where you stand and how i feel about you and not regret it 10 years later.

I don’t know the reason why, my dreams don’t turn out right, still I’ll keep listening to my heart. Who knows, someday they might.

I like that even though the world around me is falling apart, i believe in hope. I am a dreamer and i live in my own world.

All of you can judge me all you want, by what i say, tweet or retweet, but it doesnt matter. I know who i am and i have nothing to prove.

While not all men are pigs, the ones that are teach us to love the ones that aren’t better.

I wouldnt want to live this life any other way, the scars, the troubles, the negatives have made me this way. No regrets.

I may talk filth but when it comes to loving the man i love, i’ve got an oldskool heart. I always give 110% – if that’s possible.

The good thing about being alive is that we have choices. Choices we are glad we made, choices that we learnt from. Perception matters.

Sometimes all you need is a glass of bourbon and some Jim Reeves.

It’s ok to be air-headed some of the time. But all the time just so you get popoular? That’s just sad. Be proud of your intelligence.

I’m okay with being ‘in-your-face’ and i will be once you grow a pair to be ‘in-my-face’.

Life is a learning curve. Battles pull us down, hope and life pull us up. We need to choose the battle worth fighting for.

We always hope a break will be right around the corner, but if we werent strong we wouldnt be here at all, yknow?

Do you know that feeling of anger and hatred that makes your heart psychically hurt? That’s healing.

Many of you here live your lives living up to other peoples expectations. So not necessary, be who you are. Nothing like it.

You don’t need people on the internet to validate you. Your existence is validation enough. Live up to your expectations.

I’ve missed me by changing for a lot of people, behaving a certain way. Falling over backwards, I missed me.

I’m here to be who i am. No masks. Either you like it or you don’t. You don’t HAVE TO like everyone you meet. That’s just scary.

Relationships come, relationships go. And that’s quite okay. They form the lines on our hands. The lines on our forehead. Makes us wiser.

Yes, i talk about sex and all that stuff you consider ‘gross’ but i’m also honest. I sometimes say things you wouldnt dare to.

We’ve given up our originality & voices because we dare to be politically correct. When we’re puled up for being controversial, we apologize

If heartache is the fashion, then i guess i’m in style. But when you are most emotional, that’s when change happens.

It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to let go, its okay to be angry. If God didn’t want us to have any emotions, he’d make us all politicians.

If everyone took the road more traveled, how boring would your life story be?

Women, you are worth everything and more! Don’t ever let a man touch you unless you are ready, if he truly loves you, he’ll wait.

When you stop changing yourself just so people accept you and you learn to love yourself is when you’ll be accepted.

When you’re fooling yourself into believing you are happy and in the midst of it all, you want to cry. CRY.

I don’t need your approval. I’d rather suffer the consequences than put up with knowing i messed up because i listened to someone else.

I’m old enough to know right from wrong and if i don’t, let me learn. I’ll learn better without you shoving it down my throat.

It’s okay. It’ll be alright. Remember to breathe.

I can walk with one leg too. So tear me down all you want. My mind is stronger than yours. It doesnt resort to violence.

Even if nothing good today happened, know that you have survived. Know that nothing good happens in little bits. Wait for the big blowout!

Today i realised that i’m strong enough to control the things i do. And with God on my side ANYTHING is possible. So what if you dont have everything you wanted in life? You have life don’t you?

The greatest thing about life is that i can ‘choose’ who i want to love. Even if it means that you dont love me back.

A million people will give you advice. A million people will shoulder your tears, but only you will be able to heal yourself.

Sometimes i miss you, sometimes it breaks my heart. But it also lets me know i am strong.

I’m okay with crying, even though it includes self-loathing. Because i make myself cry. Just like only i can make myself happy.

ALL my own thoughts, yes. COPYRIGHT! Also, i like how i am smart sometimes.

To all of you with your own battles that you are fighting, know that in this moment, you are strong. Dont stop believing!

So much love for you.

 

Why i tweet and feel the way i do.

I’m hurting. I truly am and I can’t stop thinking a million things. This year hasn’t even begun and I already want to fast forward. I want to be better; I want to get over my self-pity and depression.

It’s not a nice place to be in. People only care about you if they are in front of you and although I’m not judgmental, I can see through most people. I am judgmental. Especially if you have a shitty reputation.

I’m angry at so many things, I’m sad at so many things. I hate falling asleep but I hate waking up more than that. I want my happiness back, I want to forget. I want to move on.

My eyes are permanently red. Moist. I can’t stop crying, I’m such a mess. There are a multitude of things happening and I just want to let EVERYTHING go, I want to give up. I want to be strong.

I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong and what do I do to make it better. I have no friends. No friends who’d rush to my side, you’d make sure I was okay. I have passing friends and acquaintances. And I’m okay with that.

I moved here a few years ago which meant not being in the initial circle of anyone. They had their own lives, their first choices. I am a loner so it isn’t that big a deal but when life gets hard and you really really feel alone and have no distractions, it gets scary.

At some point, ill get out of this low or I might not. Either way I am ruined. Ruined.

I’m not religious but I believe in God and have faith. I know He tests only the strong because He knows we can pull through it. But I’m just about done, Lord. I’m tired of fighting for what I believe in, fighting for what’s right.

Because at the end of the day, I feel like I’m the only one fighting. Fighting a losing battle, because no one’s fighting for me. Fighting for what I believe in. I suppose I can’t expect people to fight.

I’ve been there for so many people, to listen, to advice, to offer a quiet shoulder, a job, help, just being there and I feel deserted in my time of need. Life is funny. Life is mean. Life is tiring.

There is no hell or heaven once you die, this is it. This is your hell or heaven.

Oh heartbreak, how i hate you so.

So, i tried to write how i feel right now and i cant bring myself to express the immense sadness i feel. It’s a thousand emotions in a bag of darkness. A darkness i cant see out off. It breaks, it makes me cry, it makes me feel uncared for. I’m nauseous, and anxious. I can’t wait for time to take this pain away.

I’ve written about love and how being in love is magical. But the truth of the matter is that you’ve never really experienced love until you’ve experience heartbreak. I’ve been dating since i was 13, 13 years later and 5 serious relationships old, i know what heartbreak is. Honestly, heartbreak doesnt always mean an ended relationship. Sometimes you stay. All hope is completely gone forever. I am cut off from light and humanity and God and love and life and completely, hopelessly agonizingly alone.

For a while I will be completely poisonous to just about any man I meet and it will show. Some days will be better than others, but I pretty much torture myself over this, constantly. Eventually, I will realize how unhealthy this was for me and will learn to forgive. Not forget.

I’m switch between emotions by the second, i feel cold and lonely, like my heart and soul have been ripped out. I feel empty and questioning. Why did this happen? Where did I go wrong? What do i do next? Every song is a memory. Everything around me is a memory. All I want to do is cry. I want to go back but i know i am left with the memories of what happened and everyday i fear that it will happen again. here is a universe of suffering. Like trying to walk on broken bones. LIke trying to inhale needles. Like trying to struggle out of quicksand. Paranoia. Destruction.

I want to paint my pain, break dishes, break skulls. I want to blow bubbles, i want to blow away my pain. I have anger and hatred. But these thoughts arent mine. They never were. It literally feels like i am physically dying. 2012 is here. I dont want someone new. The only colours that exist to me are grey, black and a dark shade of blue.

For those of you searching the web for a healing process, trust me when i say you wont find one. The “clinical” will advise you to dive into a deep period of self-evaluation and improvement. The “bitter” will try and fire you up with general hatred for the opposite sex and the “optimists” will always tell you, “don’t worry–Mr. Right is still out there.” However, when the pain of a broken heart is ravaging your body any words of wisdom seem more like trying to talk a virus out of creating an infection. Just like there is no magical drug that can cure a virus, you have no other choice but to let your broken heart just run its course.

There is a hole where my heart used to be. I walk around in the daytime and fall at night. I take refuge that even though my heart is broken, it works. But in truth, it isnt heartbreak. It’s more like body break. I felt my entire being shatter into a million pieces. I hate daylight because it means that another day has arrived and i feel this pain all over again. My head, my heart, my being is in turmoil. It’s like walking on coals and breathing in ash and I can’t see through the smoke. succumbing to the flames.

No self-doubt. No self-censorship. No self-pity.

Constant

“A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes or designer clothes. A water-log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he’ll give you his.”

–          Marley and Me.

The last year has been tough and fruitful. Losses and gain, laughter and tears all packed into one. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am and today I feel great. I have people who love me, friends who keep me grounded and most of all a dog.

My mother visited in August and I miss her dearly since then. I think as we grow older we learn to value the people who ‘wag’ their fingers at us and tell us the right thing to do. We learn to love them, love that they stood by us through all our mistakes and accepted us for who they are. You will find unconditional love nowhere else. My mother and I have shared our times of being terrible to each other and even pondering on why we were born, well me, more so than her.  It’s taken me 23 years to realise the truth in her statement ‘Anything we do, we do for your good.’ I know now that they years of being punished and grounded allows me to not abuse the freedom I now have, it allows me to be grateful for all the small things and also the guy who created Skype. It hurts me when she hurts, it saddens me when she is upset. I wish I could become an overnight millionaire simply so she wouldn’t have to work. The two weeks she spent here were almost magical, we laughed tons. We cried little, we caught up and we loved more.

My sister was her for Christmas. I was dreading December for a long time as more than any other fear, loneliness is the greatest to me.  But sister rescued me. The last thing I thought she was capable of, and she’s capable of being evil. She might tell you otherwise.  Dont believe the onion story. When she came, she brought Christmas cheer with her, although all she wanted to do was shop, I grew to love her, I grew to understand. We didn’t fight even once in two weeks! Ordinarily I’d blame her for my hair loss but this trip there was nothing of the sort. We laughed tons, we cried little, we caught up and we loved more.

Most of you know that I’m n a relationship. My best one by far, up until this one, I never really ‘loved or was in love.’ This boy changed the meaning of ‘being in love’ and ‘being in a relationship’ for me. Usually one large argument would lead to a break-up or one super disagreement would have me rushing out of the door to get as far away as possible. This new (It’s been a little over a year, now.) relationship has relieved me from being commitment phobic and actually planning a future. He makes me smile; he makes me want to be in love. He makes me a better person, he makes me. God knows we have fought (we’re fighting while I type this) and there have been numerous times I’ve wanted to kick him in the pants and be done with it, but I know this is right for me, this is where I want to be. We laughed tons, we cried little, we caught up and we loved more.

They all came and they all left. And I was alone. Loneliness hurts, it gnaws at the very core of your being. It frightens me.

The only constant has been Nemo. God knows I love that dog. I’ve washed her coat with my tears, talked to her incessantly about my problems and loved her endlessly. She can behave badly by not pooping in the right places but she knows like my mother and sister, she has my unconditional love. I left her for 5 days and all I could think of last night as my flight landed at 11pm was to go and get her and hug her till she felt smothered. But I couldn’t and this morning when I picked her up, my love for her was renewed. She is my special one, my only.