How do you erase a memory?

How do you erase a memory?

A memory of what you once you used to be.

Tears sting your eyes, make them burn

Leaving you is a lesson I’ll never learn.

Footsteps in my brain, knocks on my heart

Warmth on my skin, mist in the air

We were here once, now it’s just space

We laughed together once, now it’s just grace.

You’ll never know why

Why I cry, Why I do the things I do, Why I lie.

You’ll never know why

Why I left you or pushed you away

It’s been awhile, erased memories make me smile

Thoughts of you cloud my brain, a migraine

You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t know.

Lover, I’ll be home. In a little while, or never, no.

You’ll never know why

Why I cry, Why I do the things I do, Why I lie.

You’ll never know why

Why I left you or pushed you away

I told you there was another…

Not mine but your other

And all your lies, lies I dread

Out of my life, out of my head

You’ll never know why

Why I cry, Why I do the things I do, Why I lie.

You’ll never know why

Why I left you or pushed you away

Truth be told…

So over the last week i’ve had a few revelations, delayed, but revelations none the less… I tweeted them out, just when i though about them, so i’m going to reproduce them here.

The saddest thing in live is when you fail to be creative. Or breathe.

I make no apologies for being as outspoken as i am. I make no apologies for being as emotional as i am.

I’d rather die with a light heart than a heart full of regrets and bottled-up emotions.

I’d rather let you know where you stand and how i feel about you and not regret it 10 years later.

I don’t know the reason why, my dreams don’t turn out right, still I’ll keep listening to my heart. Who knows, someday they might.

I like that even though the world around me is falling apart, i believe in hope. I am a dreamer and i live in my own world.

All of you can judge me all you want, by what i say, tweet or retweet, but it doesnt matter. I know who i am and i have nothing to prove.

While not all men are pigs, the ones that are teach us to love the ones that aren’t better.

I wouldnt want to live this life any other way, the scars, the troubles, the negatives have made me this way. No regrets.

I may talk filth but when it comes to loving the man i love, i’ve got an oldskool heart. I always give 110% – if that’s possible.

The good thing about being alive is that we have choices. Choices we are glad we made, choices that we learnt from. Perception matters.

Sometimes all you need is a glass of bourbon and some Jim Reeves.

It’s ok to be air-headed some of the time. But all the time just so you get popoular? That’s just sad. Be proud of your intelligence.

I’m okay with being ‘in-your-face’ and i will be once you grow a pair to be ‘in-my-face’.

Life is a learning curve. Battles pull us down, hope and life pull us up. We need to choose the battle worth fighting for.

We always hope a break will be right around the corner, but if we werent strong we wouldnt be here at all, yknow?

Do you know that feeling of anger and hatred that makes your heart psychically hurt? That’s healing.

Many of you here live your lives living up to other peoples expectations. So not necessary, be who you are. Nothing like it.

You don’t need people on the internet to validate you. Your existence is validation enough. Live up to your expectations.

I’ve missed me by changing for a lot of people, behaving a certain way. Falling over backwards, I missed me.

I’m here to be who i am. No masks. Either you like it or you don’t. You don’t HAVE TO like everyone you meet. That’s just scary.

Relationships come, relationships go. And that’s quite okay. They form the lines on our hands. The lines on our forehead. Makes us wiser.

Yes, i talk about sex and all that stuff you consider ‘gross’ but i’m also honest. I sometimes say things you wouldnt dare to.

We’ve given up our originality & voices because we dare to be politically correct. When we’re puled up for being controversial, we apologize

If heartache is the fashion, then i guess i’m in style. But when you are most emotional, that’s when change happens.

It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to let go, its okay to be angry. If God didn’t want us to have any emotions, he’d make us all politicians.

If everyone took the road more traveled, how boring would your life story be?

Women, you are worth everything and more! Don’t ever let a man touch you unless you are ready, if he truly loves you, he’ll wait.

When you stop changing yourself just so people accept you and you learn to love yourself is when you’ll be accepted.

When you’re fooling yourself into believing you are happy and in the midst of it all, you want to cry. CRY.

I don’t need your approval. I’d rather suffer the consequences than put up with knowing i messed up because i listened to someone else.

I’m old enough to know right from wrong and if i don’t, let me learn. I’ll learn better without you shoving it down my throat.

It’s okay. It’ll be alright. Remember to breathe.

I can walk with one leg too. So tear me down all you want. My mind is stronger than yours. It doesnt resort to violence.

Even if nothing good today happened, know that you have survived. Know that nothing good happens in little bits. Wait for the big blowout!

Today i realised that i’m strong enough to control the things i do. And with God on my side ANYTHING is possible. So what if you dont have everything you wanted in life? You have life don’t you?

The greatest thing about life is that i can ‘choose’ who i want to love. Even if it means that you dont love me back.

A million people will give you advice. A million people will shoulder your tears, but only you will be able to heal yourself.

Sometimes i miss you, sometimes it breaks my heart. But it also lets me know i am strong.

I’m okay with crying, even though it includes self-loathing. Because i make myself cry. Just like only i can make myself happy.

ALL my own thoughts, yes. COPYRIGHT! Also, i like how i am smart sometimes.

To all of you with your own battles that you are fighting, know that in this moment, you are strong. Dont stop believing!

So much love for you.

 

Don’t give up!

So, i started by writing another one of those ‘letters to a younger me‘ posts but realized that a lot of the emotions i was going through were shared by a lot of those in my situations. So i decided to write this post for EVERYONE.

So here goes…

Life has changed in so many ways. You’re stronger, more independent and your parents are proud of you (Don’t be shocked; parents are capable of the good emotions too. Although sometimes, you’ll feel otherwise.)

Life has been rough but you’ve pulled through before, why give up now. Why let people get the better of you. Not worth it. So not worth it. Also you’re being stupid.

Be passionate about what you want, but live a little. And when you start to live, don’t make it a full time thing – GET BACK TO WORK. Learn to balance. Everything you choose to do, do it because you want to and not because you want to please people. Learn to enjoy being around people. Make friends; don’t neglect the ones you have because of a new muse or new friends. Keep your closest, close. Because when everyone else walks out on you, the friends you’ve had forever, will still be there. Don’t hang out with people who are secretly mean. You know who they are. If you are worried that they aren’t really friends, it means that they aren’t. Hang out with those you feel comfortable with even if they aren’t cool or ‘normal’.

Write more. It will let you get rid of pent up emotions and allow you to sleep at night and not binge eat. Also, cold pizza is the hatesex of food. Remember that, you’ll thank me for it. Be proud of all you have achieved. It took years to build it but you got there. You are independent and you may even have a dog. Love Music.

You picked a city to live in, you picked the toughest city to learn. And you survived! While it nutures you and lets you be the person you are, be true to yourself. It will give you friends you wished you knew earlier and also friends you will wish you never ever meet again. Get out of that cocoon you are in, learn to love. Love the world. It’s better than you actually think it is.

While you will be applauded for standing strong for what you believe in, sometimes walking away makes you the bigger person. WALK. At times when you think you know everything, take a step back. YOU DON’T. Well, not always. But I will tell you that you CAN handle anything. And you will come out stronger, no matter what you think when you are at your lowest.

You will love your parents, no matter how angry you are at them. You most probably get angry with them because you are scared of being away from them. Confront your problems, they aren’t as horrid as you think they are. Don’t work all the time, don’t party all the time. Breathe.

If you can’t find love that’s probably because you haven’t started to learn to love yourself. Do that and eventually everything else will fall in to place. Trust me on this. 10 years from now, you’ll be surprised at the things you accomplish, not because they were impossible but because 10 years ago they didn’t seem important. Never pass an opportunity to be better.

Go out. As much as you can. Avoid ‘liking’, ‘poking’ or retweeting. Cut down on your  addiction reliance frequent visits to Facebook and Twitter.  Stop procrastinating and start being productive.

Most importantly, NEVER EVER FORGET where you came from and who you are. You are where you are because of them. No matter what you say, you will be alright. We’ve got one life to live it and we’ll live it the best we can.

Bitter-Sweet Love Affair

Two computers. One social networking site. Private messages, MSN, GTALK. That’s how it began.

“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it’s not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I’ve got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”

I knew. He knew. It happened.

He was strong but gentle. Smart but never made me feel stupid. Supportive. Oh-so-supportive. That smile, that laugh. The care, the love. THE LOVE.

No one can make him laugh the way i do. No one will see the sparkle in his eye like i do. No one. No one will know how to wake him up each morning, no one will hold his head while he falls asleep on your shoulder. No one will hear his heart-beat over his snore. No one will know how food excites him. No one.

No one will see his mischief through his loud burps, no one will see his smile. No one will see the boy in him while he picks his nose. No one will see the man in him while he tickles you. No one will see the responsibility in him while he finds the discounted items at the supermarket, no one will see the love when he pushes your cart around.

No one will see the care in his voice while he screams bloody murder, no one will see the shine in his eyes when he’s afraid. No one will hear his laughter through his tears. No one will see his tenderness while he play punches you. No one will return his love the way i do.

No one will see his happiness when you smile after he picks on you. No one will see his sadness while he holds your hand and lets you cry. No one will see his eyes blur in love as he brushes your hair away from your face. No one will see his eyes while he stares at you all movie long although he paid Rs. 250 for it.

I will. I have.

But most of all, no one will see here, how i hate the way i don’t hate him at all.

Two computers. One social networking site. Private messages. That’s how it ended.

P.s. No one can judge because they dont know my affair.

I hate being unemployed.

It’s 5.30pm as i type this. Ordinarily i would frantically be wrapping up my daily work routine. Typing off last minute emails, getting artwork in. It saddens me that as of 5.30pm this evening i am half way through. Half way through a bottle of vodka.

I dont want to go out. I dont want to see other ‘successful’ people go into restaurants or clubs dressed up in fine attire. All of them getting stuff ‘to-go’ because of their busy work schedules, while i sit there, bored out of my mind mulling my situation as i hide my depression behind a book.

I hate people paying for my lunches or dinners because they know how broke i am. They’ve tried in the past and i havent allowed them to, now i dont have a choice.

I hate moving around the city in the day time as i see so many stay at home moms and college students. I am neither. It’s unfortunate that have no money to spend and all the time in the world to spend it. It’s disgusting that my answer to everyone’s question on whether i am free is ‘Sure, anywhere, anytime.’

I hate that i want to kill anyone who says:

– you have your health (and youth as a bonus!)
– you have skills that will eventually translate into a new job
– you have people around you who love you

I hate being unemployed.

Oh heartbreak, how i hate you so.

So, i tried to write how i feel right now and i cant bring myself to express the immense sadness i feel. It’s a thousand emotions in a bag of darkness. A darkness i cant see out off. It breaks, it makes me cry, it makes me feel uncared for. I’m nauseous, and anxious. I can’t wait for time to take this pain away.

I’ve written about love and how being in love is magical. But the truth of the matter is that you’ve never really experienced love until you’ve experience heartbreak. I’ve been dating since i was 13, 13 years later and 5 serious relationships old, i know what heartbreak is. Honestly, heartbreak doesnt always mean an ended relationship. Sometimes you stay. All hope is completely gone forever. I am cut off from light and humanity and God and love and life and completely, hopelessly agonizingly alone.

For a while I will be completely poisonous to just about any man I meet and it will show. Some days will be better than others, but I pretty much torture myself over this, constantly. Eventually, I will realize how unhealthy this was for me and will learn to forgive. Not forget.

I’m switch between emotions by the second, i feel cold and lonely, like my heart and soul have been ripped out. I feel empty and questioning. Why did this happen? Where did I go wrong? What do i do next? Every song is a memory. Everything around me is a memory. All I want to do is cry. I want to go back but i know i am left with the memories of what happened and everyday i fear that it will happen again. here is a universe of suffering. Like trying to walk on broken bones. LIke trying to inhale needles. Like trying to struggle out of quicksand. Paranoia. Destruction.

I want to paint my pain, break dishes, break skulls. I want to blow bubbles, i want to blow away my pain. I have anger and hatred. But these thoughts arent mine. They never were. It literally feels like i am physically dying. 2012 is here. I dont want someone new. The only colours that exist to me are grey, black and a dark shade of blue.

For those of you searching the web for a healing process, trust me when i say you wont find one. The “clinical” will advise you to dive into a deep period of self-evaluation and improvement. The “bitter” will try and fire you up with general hatred for the opposite sex and the “optimists” will always tell you, “don’t worry–Mr. Right is still out there.” However, when the pain of a broken heart is ravaging your body any words of wisdom seem more like trying to talk a virus out of creating an infection. Just like there is no magical drug that can cure a virus, you have no other choice but to let your broken heart just run its course.

There is a hole where my heart used to be. I walk around in the daytime and fall at night. I take refuge that even though my heart is broken, it works. But in truth, it isnt heartbreak. It’s more like body break. I felt my entire being shatter into a million pieces. I hate daylight because it means that another day has arrived and i feel this pain all over again. My head, my heart, my being is in turmoil. It’s like walking on coals and breathing in ash and I can’t see through the smoke. succumbing to the flames.

No self-doubt. No self-censorship. No self-pity.

Constant

“A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes or designer clothes. A water-log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he’ll give you his.”

–          Marley and Me.

The last year has been tough and fruitful. Losses and gain, laughter and tears all packed into one. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am and today I feel great. I have people who love me, friends who keep me grounded and most of all a dog.

My mother visited in August and I miss her dearly since then. I think as we grow older we learn to value the people who ‘wag’ their fingers at us and tell us the right thing to do. We learn to love them, love that they stood by us through all our mistakes and accepted us for who they are. You will find unconditional love nowhere else. My mother and I have shared our times of being terrible to each other and even pondering on why we were born, well me, more so than her.  It’s taken me 23 years to realise the truth in her statement ‘Anything we do, we do for your good.’ I know now that they years of being punished and grounded allows me to not abuse the freedom I now have, it allows me to be grateful for all the small things and also the guy who created Skype. It hurts me when she hurts, it saddens me when she is upset. I wish I could become an overnight millionaire simply so she wouldn’t have to work. The two weeks she spent here were almost magical, we laughed tons. We cried little, we caught up and we loved more.

My sister was her for Christmas. I was dreading December for a long time as more than any other fear, loneliness is the greatest to me.  But sister rescued me. The last thing I thought she was capable of, and she’s capable of being evil. She might tell you otherwise.  Dont believe the onion story. When she came, she brought Christmas cheer with her, although all she wanted to do was shop, I grew to love her, I grew to understand. We didn’t fight even once in two weeks! Ordinarily I’d blame her for my hair loss but this trip there was nothing of the sort. We laughed tons, we cried little, we caught up and we loved more.

Most of you know that I’m n a relationship. My best one by far, up until this one, I never really ‘loved or was in love.’ This boy changed the meaning of ‘being in love’ and ‘being in a relationship’ for me. Usually one large argument would lead to a break-up or one super disagreement would have me rushing out of the door to get as far away as possible. This new (It’s been a little over a year, now.) relationship has relieved me from being commitment phobic and actually planning a future. He makes me smile; he makes me want to be in love. He makes me a better person, he makes me. God knows we have fought (we’re fighting while I type this) and there have been numerous times I’ve wanted to kick him in the pants and be done with it, but I know this is right for me, this is where I want to be. We laughed tons, we cried little, we caught up and we loved more.

They all came and they all left. And I was alone. Loneliness hurts, it gnaws at the very core of your being. It frightens me.

The only constant has been Nemo. God knows I love that dog. I’ve washed her coat with my tears, talked to her incessantly about my problems and loved her endlessly. She can behave badly by not pooping in the right places but she knows like my mother and sister, she has my unconditional love. I left her for 5 days and all I could think of last night as my flight landed at 11pm was to go and get her and hug her till she felt smothered. But I couldn’t and this morning when I picked her up, my love for her was renewed. She is my special one, my only.

Podcast 5- Loneliness is a bitch!

I couldnt find it in myself to write, so i cried instead.

If only he knew…

She moves into the dark, she seeks comfort in black

She despises his eyes and all the lies in them

She despises her heart and all the lies in them

She reeks with her laments and the men she knew

She keeps them locked away waiting for the one

She knows that it would take awhile for the sunlight to die

Broken and beaten she is a recluse

She acts in the light and crumbles in the dark

Rose tainted lips on his collar

She wipes it clean, she tries.

She pushed the barricade. She pushed herself.

She knows when to let go. She is gone.

She sleeps.

The night isn’t dark anymore… That’s when she moves. She feels his presence in her veins. He left her. A long time ago.

She gave him her heart, he placed it in hell. She gave him herself, he disregarded her. She knew all that he did, she was aware. He betrayed her. She loved him, yet.

She moved in the night, amongst the shadows. She crawled in the darkness to emotions she had put away. She wept in the silence. A thousand screams muting her. She knew.

He betrayed with his words, she loved him with her actions. He didn’t know she existed, she shined in his presence. He would lose her eventually, the day she would find him.

She sat, contemplating. She couldn’t go on. She would love him like no other, but she knew he didn’t care. His pretence hurt her more.

She lived in his facade. She died in his arms. She lay down to sleep.

She sleeps.

P.s. The photo was taken from a flickr gallery that belongs to Agnieszka. More of her photography can be found here.